Why it is OK to be Selfish

I have been raised to think of others. How can I help those around me? What can I do to show I am there for others? Especially when you are raised as a christian, you are molded into some cookie cutter help-others-personality type. But what if I said you didn’t have to ignore yourself in the process?

Let’s go back a few years. Or four or five… moving on! My first year in college was a crazy one. I was in a city I had never lived in before, living with two other girls I never met before, my new boyfriend had just gone to military training, and I was broke with no car. So doing what every college student does, I got a job. Fast food, right by the college, easily biked to. If you are anything like me, you work hard at everything you do, even fast food. So what happens? They schedule you more hours. then they ask you to come in on days off, or work later. Wanting to be a good little employee and show you can handle it you say yes. Of course. Anything to help others… Right?

But what happens to you? Besides your clothes getting ruined and smelling like grease for the rest of your days. You loose sleep. Your first year in college turns from pulling all-nighters to study to pulling all nighter shifts at work. Grades start slipping, sleep becomes a word you think is a myth and your health is thrown out the door. All to later find out they are hiring people to work shorter shits, higher pay, and half your ability while you pick up the slack.

NO! It is ok to put yourself first. Especially when you are in college. I gave everything I had to that dumb part time-turn full time- job! I missed my first college Halloween party. I had to work on days when my roommates went downtown. I ended up needed to work more to pay to work because of my uniform requirements, or missed opportunities, or the apartment I had to get for the summer. Trust me, I know this sounds petty. Childish almost. There are so many people that have it worse than missing a couple parties in college. I get it! And I respect that. But when I get up with my old roommates and swap stories I only remember that job. What I missed. They have amazing memories and stories and life long friendships that I completely missed out on because I was trying to please someone else. I wasn’t thinking of myself.

Look. When you are young, yes I know I’m still young but still, it is so easy to think you have so much to prove and you should always always say yes when you can and show that you are a hard worker. But there is a difference between being a hard worker and being a push over. Do NOT let people take advantage of you and take you for granite. They know you won’t stay there forever. So don’t let them treat you poorly for the time you are there. You are worth so much more than some part time job that takes over your life.

It’s not just jobs though. Let’s be real. This goes along with friends and family also. I wouldn’t change anything. Let me go ahead and say that. If I hadn’t done what I’ve done, I wouldn’t be who I am now and I like that person. HOWEVER! After graduating from college, I could have staying there. Found my own path, create a life over there. But I thought that I should be thinking of my relationship. We had already spent four years apart. Maybe I should move home, wait for him to ask me to move in. THEN work on finding a job. GUESS WHAT? A year and a half later, I’m single, and stuck in a town I swore I’d never go back to. If I had just been a little selfish and stayed where I was, who knows where I could be in my career right now?

Well I’m being selfish now. And you know how I feel? Great.

I feel pretty dang great right about now. I got a new job in a large city. Might take me a couple months to move over there, but I’ll  get there. GREAT chance for travel and growth. I met a guy, lives far away… but we meet up just for fun. No mess. No worrying about what the other is doing. I’m just thinking about what I want. Who I want to spend my free time with. Where I want to work. What I want to do. I’m done thinking of what others expect of me and what I think they expect. I know I’m a hard worker, and I’ll gladly prove it. but I’m done being the brown nosing employee who gets forgotten about or abused. And you wanna know something? My first day at this new job felt amazing. I’m usually shy ad awkward at new properties… But I really held my own this time. I was confident, because I know what I am good at and I know that this was a good move for me.

I cannot wait to see what the rest of this year has planned for me! But I’m done trying to micromanage my own life. I’m young and I’m ready to start thinking of myself.

 

The Third Side of the Story of Us

There was a time when you came to me. I was your rock, your solid ground when you felt like falling.

There was a time when the light you woke up to was me. Your day started with saying hello to me.

There was a time when missing me felt like missing a lung.

There was a time when you loved me.

What happened?

 

There’s been a third wheel attached to us. But instead of behind us, it took my place. Leaving me trailing behind. Looking at our tracks you couldn’t tell. But seeing the whole picture you could see. You didn’t really care for me.

Now something has stolen my place. It’s dimmed my light so that it seemed brighter. No longer you come to me for stability. No longer are we a pair. You found something else that has changed your life more than I ever could.

If you would think that I’d ask you to give it up, you do not know me at all. I have loved you through it all. And although I saw it take over, I still held on. I held on to you. Thinking that if I just held on, you’d realize that I’ve always been there.

But I will never be there for you if you don’t look for me. So instead of making you miserable, I’m letting you go. Go and feel free to indulge in what really makes you happy. I could never live with myself knowing that I was keeping you from something you love.

I just really hate that the thing taking my place is something so silly. But I do not love it as much as you do. And you do not love me as much as you do it. So I’m putting my foot down and saying that I deserve to be loved as much as I love. Because I would rather fight with you than fall in love with anyone else. But I would never force you to stay with someone you don’t love.

15 GIFs about hiding depression

These are 15 GIFs that I hope explains why people should keep an open mind about what they say. You never know who is hiding something.

 

  1. “I’m so glad I don’t know what it’s like to have depression, you know?”

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Many people should be happy about this. But it’s very ironic when this topic comes up in conversation and people ask you, thinking you have no idea. It’s almost delightful knowing that you have gotten away with it.

 

2. Finally being alone after going out. 

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I do not like going out often. If I do go out, it’s not willingly. The second I get to escape I finally get to relax. Put down the fake exterior and persona.

 

3. “I just don’t get why people self harm. It’s so stupid.”

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There’s only so many things you can defend with out people catching on. You unwillingly have to agree, but that doesn’t mean you have to say anything. You just hang in there till you can leave.

 

4. “People who say they have depression just need to cheer up and get over themselves.”

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I will be honest, before I dealt with anything like this I had said the same thing. It’s not something that one can just get over. It’s severe and invisible, but it’s there. You can’t tell people about their ignorance though, they will understand some day. When someone they know or love opens up to them, they will understand.

 

5. “Those people just want attention.” 

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When was the last time you saw someone waving their scars around? Or bragging about how many times they forced themselves to starve? It’s not something that people are proud of. It’s not something they want everyone to know about. It’s something that is private and personal. A way for each person to handle the different stress of their lives.

 

6. When someone points out one of your scars and you have to make up some story. 

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Here we go again.

 

7. When someone clearly accepts you lie and moves on. 

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Wait. Really? Are you really going to believe that load of shit? Okay. Fair enough. Moving on.

 

8. “Ew, your music is so emo.”

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You don’t like it you can leave.

 

9. When you’re biting your tongue when you just want to scream.

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So many times.

 

10. Deciding whether or not you should tell someone. 

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There are so many obstacles. What if they hate you? What if they judge you? What if they call you crazy? You know you should tell someone, but you never know who you can trust.

 

11. “You should cover that up, people might think you cut yourself.”

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Yes. I have heard this more than once. Someone believes some bogus story about a faulty belt or an angry cat and then say something like this. What can you do?

 

12. When someone who knows points it out in public. 

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Look, if someone opens up to you, don’t you dare talk about it to anyone else, or in front of anyone else. It’s not your place.

 

13. “I totally get it, I mean I get so depressed after Christmas ends I could die.”

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Yeah, because that is exactly the same thing.

 

14. “Don’t lie to me. I know better.”

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Usually, when someone cares enough, they will figure it out on their own. But there is no denying the terrifying feeling you get when someone says that.

15. When someone is actually there for you.

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These people deserve metals. People who know someones deepest secret, and stays by them and helps them without judging. Seriously, do those people exist? If so, props. You all are amazing.

 

Why High School Mattered

In high school, I was surrounded by people who dress better, are more sociable, and have seemingly perfect lives; in comparison to mine. I believed that so much was important in high school. What I wore, who I talked to, and even what clubs I joined. It wasn’t until, in twenties, I saw yet another high school peer being arrested for drugs, that I realized just how silly it all was.

So why can’t I let go of it?

In high school, I was always trying to be different. I didn’t want to be just like my sisters. I wasn’t ashamed of them in the slightest, but I wanted for once for someone to recognize me for me, not my sisters. So I did crazy make up, wore strange colors, and did a bunch of theatre outside of school. I went to church regularly and joined the choir. That’s even where I met my first serious boyfriend. Not much worked though. Even though I would do a show with someone, once they met my sisters, I was no longer a friends. Just their friend’s little sister.

I would be lying if I said it wasn’t infuriating. But, what can you do? Well it got to the point where it was just me at this school. My senior year. This was supposed to be my year. The year where everyone knew me, and they liked me. At this point I was single, and ready for college at the beach! I was just focused on getting out of there. I ended up as the president of three clubs; Improv, Vocal ensemble, and Play Productions. Those are all vote-ins. So I thought all was well. Right?

Well I would soon find out that basically everyone hated me. They all thought I was stuck-up and didn’t deserve and part in any show because I was such a horrible performer. All of this occurred on Face Book. You could imagine how I felt. These were people I considered friends, my theatre “family”. This was all said through one person, but did anyone stand up for me? Did anyone tell her that they didn’t agree and to shut up? Did anyone back me up?

No. In fact, one of my good friends told this person that they were amazing for saying what no one else had the guts to say. My entire world had fallen apart. Here I am, living my life happy as a clam, just to get slammed with the reality that everyone I knew hated me. It didn’t help that in college, my roommates went behind my back and registered for on-campus housing while I was out looking at 3-bedroom apartments for us.

Some people reading this would say, “So? Not everyone you meet is going to like you, get over it.” But see, you forget, this was in high school. Where everything had mattered to me. To this day, I can’t get close to anyone. What if they hate me too? What if I just annoy everyone I meet? Would it be better for everyone else if I just kept to myself?

I went into a deep depression in college. And I was beyond angry with myself that I let myself get close to people who just ended up hurting me all over again. I knew that people don’t like me. I knew that people will always betray me. So why did I let myself believe that I could be happy with these two? And why did I apologize to them for getting mad at what they had done?

High had a great impact on me. My current boyfriend is constantly telling me that it’s time to move on. Get over it. But how can I? Every single thing that makes me who I am, is because of what happened then. Why I would rather stay home watching Doctor Who, rather than going downtown. Why I spend hours doing my nails, rather than go out to eat. Why I delved into alternative methods of reminding myself that I was a loser, rather than asking friends for help. All because I would rather hurt myself than to let someone else hurt me again. No one should be able to hurt me that badly.

I know that high school is in the past. I know that many from high school are getting arrested. But I also know that those certain people that hurt me so much are living amazing lives. And many people I knew outside of high school now know them, and like them a lot more than they liked me. How am I supposed to cope with the fact that they were right? People don’t actually like me. They just put up with me long enough to find an escape.

There are so many articles explaining why high school doesn’t matter, and how it doesn’t teach you anything. But, for some people, it does. For some  people, the worst day of their lives were then. For some people, every moment of their life they remember what was said about them. For some people, they have yet to find the reason to forget it all.

I just hope that one day I will be able to stand proud of who I have become. I know it will be a while, but one day I will prove those girls wrong.

One day I will be happy with who I am. 

Midnight: Analysis

This episode tends to split the audience. Many love it, many hate it. I personally adore this episode. My boyfriend hardly remembers it. I have put together reasons why I believe it to be such a good episode. If  you have anything to add, or argue, please feel free!

  1. It’s kind of nice to see The Doctor doing something on his own. I love Donna and companions in general. However, sometimes it’s nice to see him function without someone at his side 24/7.
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  2. Different personalities shoved into one show… And it worked. Unlike Love and Monster… I’m so sorry I even mentioned it. Unlike, that one, The multiple personalities meshed really well and fit into the plot. There isn’t a single one where I thought, meh… wish they didn’t include that one.
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  3. Another fandom character was there! The fact that Merlin showed up on set yet didn’t steal focus from the plot is wonderful. most shows when someone that recognizable is a guest, they make some really awkward scenes to feature said guest.
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  4. It forced us all to use our imaginations. What was/is it? Could there really be something out there that is living somewhere that we think is unlivable?
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  5. We got this amazing gif of Colin!
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  6. Um… Hello. Rose!
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  7. We got to see David do an amazing performance. Not being able to control any part of your body, trying desperately to explain to everyone what they are doing is wrong. Then when it’s all over, and he is safe, he doesn’t hop up like he normally does. Instead he stays down and simply says, “It’s gone.”
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    Eventually he gets up, and you can tell in his eyes that he is something that we have never seen before this point. He is disappointed. He has been disappointed in people, of course, but this time it was different. He was disappointed in humans.
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    This look was given when one of the people said that she knew that it wasn’t him. Pure disappointment.

I stand by this episode. I think that it is absolutely wonderful.

Who am I?

I’m the person you don’t see walk by. I’m the one people have to get you to describe because they can’t remember my name. I’m the one at my high school that everyone forgets one year later. I’m the girl who looks vaguely familiar, but you can’t put your finger on it. I shared the stage many times with you years ago, yet I’m a stranger to you now. I’m the friend from college that you just don’t seem to know much about now. I’m your friend from high school that you grew away from. I’m the one in the picture with you, but you can’t remember why.

I’m that person you see every now and then on Facebook, but you can’t remember why we became friends. I’m the one who comes to where you work every day, but you don’t know my name. I’m the cashier that you ignore because you had a phone call. I’m the fast food worker who already knew your order because you are a regular, but you still act like it’s your first time there. I’m the check-in girl at the hotel who already knows who you are, what level on the rewards program you are, and what company you work for, yet you don’t even look me in the eye.

I’m the coworker that you don’t know much about. I’m the one who always smiles and asks how you are. I am the one who always listens. I am that friend who is always there for you even when you haven’t contacted in months. I’m the sister that you confide in, but I never reciprocate. I’m the daughter that calls every day, but gets rushed off the phone. I’m that one cashier who spoke with you about dogs for ten minutes that you forgot about by the time you got home. I’m the worker that you told about your rough day and gave you a free tub of ice cream, but it wasn’t a flavor you preferred.

I’m the roommate you don’t even know is home. I’m the sister that is always on your side. I’m the idiot wearing long sleeves in the heat of summer. I’m the girl smiling at you as you walk by. I’m the girlfriend that you have to put up with. I’m the one on Pinterest looking up Doctor Who and Sherlock, apologizing for annoying people with them. I’m the one who is always laughing. I’m the worker you can depend on. I’m the one going through the drive through with the cat in my lap that you laugh at. I’m the friend that you talk to all the time, yet you know nothing about me.

I’m some one who cares more about the happiness of others before the happiness of myself. I am someone who would bend over backwards to do something for you if you asked me to. I am someone who can make you laugh when you’re having a bad day. I will have your back and encourage you to stay strong, even when I’m the one who cries myself to sleep each night.

I am there for all these people because I know what it’s like to have no one. So before you judge me for not having the same experiences you might have had in college, high school, or even in general, how about you just stop and think. Think about all those people that you have forgotten about, taken for granted, and abused for so many years. Roll all those people into one person. Put yourself into his/her shoes. Now look at me and judge me. You don’t know where anyone has been, you don’t know what anyone else has had to live through, so you don’t have a right to judge anyone.

It doesn’t matter what you look like, what you’re wearing, what color you are, or even what gender you are. It matters how you treat others.

Inside Out

First of all. SPOILERS. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. This movie is a lot deeper than you think. I went in thinking that it was going to be such a fun and happy movie, and it is! But, man, if you really think about it it brings a much deeper level of thought that kind of hits you by surprise. In a nutshell the story follows the emotions that are inside this little girl, Riley.

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The emotions are coordinated to a color. That obviously match. Joy is clearly the one in control.

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What is interesting, is when each emotion touches the control desk, they are taking over how Riley does certain things. So if Anger has you go upstairs, she stomps up. If Disgust has her say something, Riley will say it as if she was… well, disgusted. Then, each memory that is created reflects the emotion that was in control. So if it is a memory of something that was scary, than the orb would be purple.

The next thing that happens is a little confusing. If you think back, to certain memories, there are a couple that really stand out and make them who you are. Memories of your family, friends, hobbies, things like that. Each time you have a memory like that they become extra special. They go turn into “Core Memories”. Then, in true animation style, those create little islands.

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These are the islands of personalities. These are what makes Riley, Riley. There is, in order, Honesty Island, Friendship Island, Hockey Island, and Goof-ball Island. Now from the very beginning, you see Joy trying her hardest to keep Sadness away from the control desk as well as the orbs. I didn’t really like this, but it was for a reason. I mean who wants to see their person sad right? Joy was just looking out for Riley. While the other emotions weren’t paying attention to Sadness, she went and touched an orb. The orb was originally Gold in color to reflect Joy, yet when Sadness touched it it turned Blue.

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All of a sudden, Riley, who was recalling something happy suddenly saw this memory sad.  This of course  happens at the worst time ever, because she is standing in front of the class talking about the recent move.

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Joy tried to turn it back gold, but it remained blue. This is one of those times when you realize that it has a deeper meaning. Sometimes, when you reflect on happy times, it makes you sad. Sad that those times are over, those people are gone, the fact that those moments won’t happen again. It makes since that it turned blue and wouldn’t turn back. There was something else that Sadness said about wanting to, or feeling like she should touch it.. As if Riley was already slightly thinking it was sad, but needed the actual Sadness to turn it sad. Does that make sense?

Anyway, the movie goes on to show the family moving to California. The house isn’t really a house, and their furniture is lost in Texas. So you can imagine that Joy had plenty of work to do. Eventually, the mom came in to tell Riley that it was wonderful how happy she was staying. That her parents really needed her to stay that happy little girl.

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That’s putting a lot onto a child. But this inspires Joy to keep working. Of course things just can’t happen like that though! While trying to stop Sadness from turning a Core Memory sad, Joy and Sadness both wind up lost in the inner workings of Riley’s mind.

Unfortunately for Riley, this means that Anger, Fear, and Disgust have to take over. She gets in a fight with her parents over many things. And eventually the three emotions come up with an idea to run away back to Minnesota. After all, that is where Riley is happy, so go back and she is happy again right?

Wrong.

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Because she had ruined all her islands, Riley looses everything that made her, her. And because of that the desk starts to loose it’s power. Meaning that no matter what the emotions did, they couldn’t make Riley do anything, which means that Riley couldn’t feel anything.

Joy of all people realize that she has to be sad in order go go home. My mom didn’t seem to understand this part. Why does being sad make you want to go back home? If Joy were able to take control, Riley would have been happy about running away. But because Sadness took over, Riley was sad about leaving her family, so she changes her mind and runs back home.

Then, Sadness has Riley tell her parents about how she has been feeling. “Please don’t be upset with me.” “You want me to be happy.” Riley started recalling those Core Memories, but only after Sadness turned them all blue. This is very deep, for a children’s movie. The past hurts. Sometimes it hurts the longer it’s been, and having Riley say all those things really meant a lot to the whole plot.

Her parent end up hugging her, and comforting her. Sadness then grabs Joy’s hand and puts it on the controller too. So now there is a happy-sad moment happening. A memory orb comes down and it is two-toned.

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This scene meant so much. It wasn’t about letting kids know they can talk to their parents, it wasn’t about trying to make people ‘feel’ something, it was to let everyone know that it is okay to be sad. It is okay to show people that you aren’t okay. Now I realize that I didn’t explain everything in full and complete break-down mode from the movie, but if you haven’t seen it please go, and you will understand. But having a movie like this, with this kind of meaning is a big deal.

There is a feeling in today’s culture that effects so many people. Sadness. Pain. Hurt. Feelings that we are told, influenced, to keep hidden. Smile through the pain, pick yourself up again, don’t let others see you hurt. Why? Why has everyone become so afraid of being human? We all have emotions that effect us, maybe they aren’t as creative as the colorful egos in Riley’s head, but we all still have them. To pretend that everything is okay, when it clearly is not, is something that no one should have to do.

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I believe that the point of this movie is to let people know that it is okay. It’s okay to be sad, to ask for help, to let people know that you are not okay. If this had come out 4 years ago I would probably be a different person, but as it is, here we are. Being sad isn’t something to be ashamed of. You shouldn’t have to hide that part of you. If you are sad, let it out in a healthy manor. Let people know, don’t be afraid of opening up to other people. You shouldn’t have to be left alone with your feelings of self worthlessness.

This is a movie with deeper meanings that I will dwell upon, and probably extend on this review when it comes out on DVD. I wouldn’t call it a kid’s movie. I don’t think that they would understand these thoughts. This is definitely something that I would highly recommend for middle school and high school students. Plus there is a wonderful explanation of cats at the end of the movie. 🙂