Two Different Views of 13 Reasons Why

13 Reasons Why can be viewed in many ways. Many love it many hate it. There is, however, something quite refreshing about this new Netflix Original show. the fact that they do not shy or hit people in the face with things. It is both bold and understated. I love the intimate relationships that you discover throughout the show, but the over arcing theme can be overwhelming to some. From the way I see it there are two audiences that are watching this. The first audience is made up of those who have considered suicide, like Hannah, or might in the future, like Sky. The second audience is made up of people who know people like Hannah/Sky, like Clay and the others on the tapes.

I know this might be pretty self explanatory, but from my own personal views and those I know, I have seen this division grow. Surprisingly, those who might be in a dark place in their minds seem to dislike the overall theme, yet enjoy the plot line. Most saying that the show “glorifies suicide.” Where as those who know those in dark places seem to enjoy the eye opening trip that the show took them on.

For me I was extremely captivated until the last episode. It was a little too close to home. I have been there before. I have cleaned up my room and organized everything so that after would be easy for those involved. I have written my letter over and over. I have been in that tub fully clothed and ready with a razor. In the end I truly was scared of ending. I settled for panic inducing crying fits in a cold shower and the comfort of a stinging piece of metal to remind me that I existed for some reason. So to watch someone do it with such… I don’t want to say ease, but with such ease hurt a bit. I felt almost slandered, because for me, this has been going on for years. And even though things have been happening to Hannah throughout the year, the suicide portion seemed rushed. Things have been happening to me since middle/preschool. I’ve written my suicide note at least 3 times. It was something I fought with every day and night.

I know that I am describing me, but I feel like there are others who have felt the same way. I know that there are some that have the worst day of their lives and decide then and there to end it. I know and understand those cases are out there. but to put together 12 reasons, that honestly could have been summarized, then to “give life one more chance” seemed just plain off to me. I feel like they should have added some scenes of her in her home falling apart throughout the whole year would have benefitted. Suicide isn’t something that people do because they want to prove a point, it is something they do when they see absolutely no other option.

Then you have the Sky character who is a very stereotypical “emo”. She has the scars, the look, and the attitude to back up her stereotype. So here you have two polar opposites. One shrouded in black and taking her anger out on the world and herself. Then you have a beautiful girl who tried to be friends with everyone and gets stabbed in the back every time. Yet the one you don’t think fits the image of a suicidal girl is the one who actually ends her life. In a way I like this because although there are a lot of Sky’s out there, there are also some that you never would expect to hide scars or other issues. But in private, behind closed doors, they are the same. They both have anger and sadness in them to the point that it is too much. That is what was missing for me. There were only a couple times when we got to see Hannah breakdown. But realistically speaking, it would happen constantly

Why it is OK to be Selfish

I have been raised to think of others. How can I help those around me? What can I do to show I am there for others? Especially when you are raised as a christian, you are molded into some cookie cutter help-others-personality type. But what if I said you didn’t have to ignore yourself in the process?

Let’s go back a few years. Or four or five… moving on! My first year in college was a crazy one. I was in a city I had never lived in before, living with two other girls I never met before, my new boyfriend had just gone to military training, and I was broke with no car. So doing what every college student does, I got a job. Fast food, right by the college, easily biked to. If you are anything like me, you work hard at everything you do, even fast food. So what happens? They schedule you more hours. then they ask you to come in on days off, or work later. Wanting to be a good little employee and show you can handle it you say yes. Of course. Anything to help others… Right?

But what happens to you? Besides your clothes getting ruined and smelling like grease for the rest of your days. You loose sleep. Your first year in college turns from pulling all-nighters to study to pulling all nighter shifts at work. Grades start slipping, sleep becomes a word you think is a myth and your health is thrown out the door. All to later find out they are hiring people to work shorter shits, higher pay, and half your ability while you pick up the slack.

NO! It is ok to put yourself first. Especially when you are in college. I gave everything I had to that dumb part time-turn full time- job! I missed my first college Halloween party. I had to work on days when my roommates went downtown. I ended up needed to work more to pay to work because of my uniform requirements, or missed opportunities, or the apartment I had to get for the summer. Trust me, I know this sounds petty. Childish almost. There are so many people that have it worse than missing a couple parties in college. I get it! And I respect that. But when I get up with my old roommates and swap stories I only remember that job. What I missed. They have amazing memories and stories and life long friendships that I completely missed out on because I was trying to please someone else. I wasn’t thinking of myself.

Look. When you are young, yes I know I’m still young but still, it is so easy to think you have so much to prove and you should always always say yes when you can and show that you are a hard worker. But there is a difference between being a hard worker and being a push over. Do NOT let people take advantage of you and take you for granite. They know you won’t stay there forever. So don’t let them treat you poorly for the time you are there. You are worth so much more than some part time job that takes over your life.

It’s not just jobs though. Let’s be real. This goes along with friends and family also. I wouldn’t change anything. Let me go ahead and say that. If I hadn’t done what I’ve done, I wouldn’t be who I am now and I like that person. HOWEVER! After graduating from college, I could have staying there. Found my own path, create a life over there. But I thought that I should be thinking of my relationship. We had already spent four years apart. Maybe I should move home, wait for him to ask me to move in. THEN work on finding a job. GUESS WHAT? A year and a half later, I’m single, and stuck in a town I swore I’d never go back to. If I had just been a little selfish and stayed where I was, who knows where I could be in my career right now?

Well I’m being selfish now. And you know how I feel? Great.

I feel pretty dang great right about now. I got a new job in a large city. Might take me a couple months to move over there, but I’ll  get there. GREAT chance for travel and growth. I met a guy, lives far away… but we meet up just for fun. No mess. No worrying about what the other is doing. I’m just thinking about what I want. Who I want to spend my free time with. Where I want to work. What I want to do. I’m done thinking of what others expect of me and what I think they expect. I know I’m a hard worker, and I’ll gladly prove it. but I’m done being the brown nosing employee who gets forgotten about or abused. And you wanna know something? My first day at this new job felt amazing. I’m usually shy ad awkward at new properties… But I really held my own this time. I was confident, because I know what I am good at and I know that this was a good move for me.

I cannot wait to see what the rest of this year has planned for me! But I’m done trying to micromanage my own life. I’m young and I’m ready to start thinking of myself.

 

Time Flies

I’m so sorry, to no one cause no one reads:) I have been tremendously busy… lazy… slow… Anyway! I’m going to try to get on a weekly posting cycle to get my blog up and running a bit more. Still not sure the direction it will take. Probably just Sassy being… me. But if anyone really cares, here is what I have been up to.

Since December I have been in 3 weddings, and I have one more to go next weekend. This next one I’m the maid of honor. This all sounds fine and dandy… until you learn I just got out of a 5 year long relationship I thought was going to be the first engagement out of my sisters… but no. So celebrating with friends and family over marriages was a bit draining, and having three in three months is also tough.

I also finally have a chance to get OUT OF MY HOME TOWN! Look. Every one says it. Listen to them. Do not plan your life around a boy. I could have staying in the city where I graduated. But no, I moved home, waiting on a guy I would later leave because he is a bit of an idiot. So here I am. One year later, stuck in a town that literally drains the life out of all of it’s residents. NO MORE! I have a job at a bigger city, better pay and once I’m financially stable after all these weddings I will gladly move over there and start moving on with my life!

As far as depression goes, it’s actually been tough… but getting so much better. Honestly the lowest times were when I was fighting for a dying relationship. Now that I’m being selfish and just thinking about myself, I am happier and more confident in who I am and what I have to bring. I’m not sure how long this will last… But I’m going to take advantage of it!

Well I think that is about it fro an update. I’m going to start working on some actual posts that might mean something to someone!

 

Drabble on guys.

To my High School Friend

Dear Friend,

I know that it has been almost five years, but I just can’t help but think about those days. They were truly the worst days, but they were the best. There are so many things that you helped me with that you don’t understand. So many days where you were the only reason I went to school. Over the years I have grown and changed in so many ways, but there will always be our relationship that doesn’t change. We haven’t seen each other in years, but I know that our hearts are still connected. There’s a bond between us that will never be torn apart.

You didn’t know how much those sleep overs meant to me. Knowing that there was someone there that actually wanted to see me outside of school. Knowing that you cared enough meant a lot. It also gave me a chance to get away from my house. I’m not saying it was bad, but there were definitely times where I thought I couldn’t breathe, and being able to spend time away with you was wonderful.

Our hour long phone calls that annoyed my family were some of the best times. You had no idea what those meant to me. There were times where I wanted to stay in a deep depression and not talk to anyone at all. Then, I’d get a phone call from you. You were able to wash all those harmful thoughts out of my mind and let me escape for a couple hours with you. I sometimes wonder if I have ever laughed that hard since then.

Talking about all the horrible people we went to school with was some of my favorite conversations. Being able to hear someone else agree that those people were crap was very reassuring. You helped me to not focus on others word because if you didn’t like them, then why should I listen?

Your support was more than I deserved at times. You went to every single one of my performances. That meant so much. In one ear I was hearing people say how horrible I was and that directors were stupid for casting me in anything, and in the other ear I was hearing you ask about all the details of the stage. You actually cared, and didn’t think I was that bad. You were always the positive voice in my head.

There are so many more things I wish I could talk about, but it is not my place. While you never knew how low I was then, I didn’t know that you were also low. That those sleep overs meant more to you, because they kept out your demons. Your questions about theatre helped to paint a world that was different from what you knew. Those days where we never talked to each other, but walked side-by-side meant that you needed that company more than you needed words.

I wish that we had talked to each other about our difficulties, but I just wanted you to know that I have been honored by your friendship. I am glad that we could shine a light on each other’s darkness and be a true friend. I will never have another friend that will share what we have. We have both moved on, you more so than I. And even though those were our roughest days, I would never alter a single one in fear of loosing what we had.

So thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Update

(I was going to go through and edit, but I’m too lazy. Forgive any errors!)

I know I haven’t been posting in a while. I have had a lot of things going on personally that I didn’t feel like I was in a good place to post anything.

You know those times when you just have no confidence in anything?

Well that’s where I’ve been. I feel like the best thing I could do is to just get it all out there that way I’m not keeping it all in. So feel free to give me some advise, it would be greatly appreciated. Or you can just give me a quick positive though and just move on. 🙂

Basically, I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years. This person and I have been going to school together since elementary school. We are both in our twenties now. I have known this person inside and out. He is everything to me. The unfortunate thing of our relationship is that we are across the continent. He is so far away, and I’m just here.

A lot of people ask me why I didn’t move to where he is, but I needed to focus on my studies first. I thought we had already planned on me moving after I graduated. But when graduation came and went, I was slightly confused. He seemed a little distant. I would want to cuddle, he’d want to go workout. I’d want to go to the beach, he’d want to stay in. He wouldn’t hold my hand, or kiss me much. It was all very awkward for me.

I finally got a job in my home state, so staying with my parents. I kind of figured sooner or later he would ask me to move up there. But no such luck. Around October/November I remember wanting to fly up to see him. And he acted very strange about the whole thing. Almost as if he didn’t want me up there. It threw me off. So the next time I got to see him was at my sisters wedding. We drove over together, about 5 hours. It was horrible. He didn’t talk to me much, wouldn’t hold my hand, and just acted like he didn’t want to be there with me. At the wedding he was the same way. Wouldn’t show much affection.

Specifically, when a certain song came on, he literally threw  off my hands and walked away to dance in the center o the space for everyone else. I was very hurt. Then my sister came over and said that I should treat him better. That didn’t help at all. I later found out that my Granny had asked him when he planned on asking for my hand and he said that he just wasn’t ready for that.

A little background for you, for years we had talked about getting married and being together. So something had to happen to make him say he wasn’t ready. Something that he wasn’t telling me. I didn’t know how to respond. The absolute worst part of this trip was the wedding night. I got us a room somewhere away from everyone else, thinking we could finally get some alone time… you know? 😉

He simply changed for bed, complained about being tired, and turned his back from me and went to bed. I was beyond hurt. I had no idea what I had done. I t had to be about me. I get not wanting to show PDA, my family was around and maybe that made him uncomfortable. I can understand that. But in a room, alone, with no one else nearby…

He also got very weird with his phone. I used to pick on him about going through his phone, because I knew he would never do anything that he should have to hide. But this trip specifically, he got mad at times. It definitely made me question him. Why now? What happened to make you all of a sudden worried about me seeing your phone?

Later on that month I was home alone. My parents had gone to a Christmas party. I knew he didn’t have plans, so I was trying to hint that I had the house to myself. He said that he and his dad were spending time together. I understood, but kinda wanted him to pick me. But again, I understood. The next day I find out that what he actually did was drive a hour away to some club with another girl and a group of people. I have felt sick to my stomach ever sense.

What had I done to push him away? I had been supportive of his career, I have stood by him through everything. What could I have possibly done to cause him to do something like that? We sat down at the park and I told him straight up that I didn’t deserve that. I have always been there for him and gave him no reason to lie to me like that. I told him to tell me everything, honestly. And I would accept this as a skrewup, and we could work to get past it. I then asked to see his phone. He wouldn’t give it to me until he deleted something first.

I was flabbergasted. All I was going to do was give it right back.. I just wanted that open and honest relationship like we always had. But he was still hiding something. Well a month later I found out that this girl had been to see him across the country. She flew up there, to see him. He swears that it was back in October, and that she had another event nearby, that seeing him was just a side thing. and he swears that they didn’t do anything, and that they actually tried to hook her up with another friend. I was slow to accept this, but then he said that he was still talking to her. I was beyond upset. Her is this person that almost split us up, and he was taking her word over mine. It was crazy.

Later on, my best friend from High School contacted me and sent me so many pictures of conversations, them together, and her flight information. Here I had a whole new set of crap. He swears that the conversations weren’t him, and that all the pictures were back from October. She had a picture of condoms, but he swears that they would never do anything.

Many people want to see me walk away, but as much as I know it’s probably best, I just can’t. I know that there are apps that can falsify text conversations. We found out that this girl was following his snaps on SnapChat. She was blocked on every other social medias, so she was getting info from his story line. I can understand that, and this girl really is crazy.

I have forgiven him for not telling me things, because I truly and honestly believe that he would never cheat on me. He really is just a nice guy that a lot of people read too far into things. There were a lot of holes in this girls story. She claims that she was up there this January, when one of the pictures he’s wearing a Halloween mask. October.

I can understand messing up. I can understand so much, but I don’t understand why. What had I not done? Why did he need this unhealthy relationship that almost tore us apart? How can I accept that he wont do it again?

He has become beyond supportive of me now. He talks about me moving up there all the time. Calls and texts me much more than he has in the past. We started doing daily devotionals together to try and strengthen our relationship through God. And he seems very committed now.

I know that I have forgiven him for not being honest with me, but that feeling in my stomach has not gone away. The fact that someone thought that they could tear our 5-year relationship apart so easily has me worried. I flying up there next month and I’m trying to just focus on me for a little while. I’ve started a healthy diet, and workout regimen. I just can’t shake those images out of my head. Which is exactly what this other person wanted.

Basically i would love some advise on how to release some of this tension that I’ve obviously held on to.

15 GIFs about hiding depression

These are 15 GIFs that I hope explains why people should keep an open mind about what they say. You never know who is hiding something.

 

  1. “I’m so glad I don’t know what it’s like to have depression, you know?”

comical
Many people should be happy about this. But it’s very ironic when this topic comes up in conversation and people ask you, thinking you have no idea. It’s almost delightful knowing that you have gotten away with it.

 

2. Finally being alone after going out. 

fake
I do not like going out often. If I do go out, it’s not willingly. The second I get to escape I finally get to relax. Put down the fake exterior and persona.

 

3. “I just don’t get why people self harm. It’s so stupid.”

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There’s only so many things you can defend with out people catching on. You unwillingly have to agree, but that doesn’t mean you have to say anything. You just hang in there till you can leave.

 

4. “People who say they have depression just need to cheer up and get over themselves.”

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I will be honest, before I dealt with anything like this I had said the same thing. It’s not something that one can just get over. It’s severe and invisible, but it’s there. You can’t tell people about their ignorance though, they will understand some day. When someone they know or love opens up to them, they will understand.

 

5. “Those people just want attention.” 

secret
When was the last time you saw someone waving their scars around? Or bragging about how many times they forced themselves to starve? It’s not something that people are proud of. It’s not something they want everyone to know about. It’s something that is private and personal. A way for each person to handle the different stress of their lives.

 

6. When someone points out one of your scars and you have to make up some story. 

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Here we go again.

 

7. When someone clearly accepts you lie and moves on. 

really
Wait. Really? Are you really going to believe that load of shit? Okay. Fair enough. Moving on.

 

8. “Ew, your music is so emo.”

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You don’t like it you can leave.

 

9. When you’re biting your tongue when you just want to scream.

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So many times.

 

10. Deciding whether or not you should tell someone. 

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There are so many obstacles. What if they hate you? What if they judge you? What if they call you crazy? You know you should tell someone, but you never know who you can trust.

 

11. “You should cover that up, people might think you cut yourself.”

keeping quiet
Yes. I have heard this more than once. Someone believes some bogus story about a faulty belt or an angry cat and then say something like this. What can you do?

 

12. When someone who knows points it out in public. 

anger
Look, if someone opens up to you, don’t you dare talk about it to anyone else, or in front of anyone else. It’s not your place.

 

13. “I totally get it, I mean I get so depressed after Christmas ends I could die.”

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Yeah, because that is exactly the same thing.

 

14. “Don’t lie to me. I know better.”

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Usually, when someone cares enough, they will figure it out on their own. But there is no denying the terrifying feeling you get when someone says that.

15. When someone is actually there for you.

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These people deserve metals. People who know someones deepest secret, and stays by them and helps them without judging. Seriously, do those people exist? If so, props. You all are amazing.

 

Here’s to all the zeros: Analysis

“Hey kids, do you wanna do what I do?”
Talking to kids asking if they want to be a performer like him.

“I got sick, got kicked out of high school
I guess then, I kind of got arrested
With a car, and a chase, and a drug test”
His explanation of how he got to where he is now. Sick refers to his drug addiction which led to him being kicked out of school.

“These days they don’t want to be near that
Cause if you’re selling records they don’t want to hear that”
‘They’ refers to the music industry. The music industry has moved away from talent, and moved towards image. They don’t want to hear about how your talent came into effect, rather about how ‘cool’ you appear to be.

“Clean cut, we do it like Disney
Well adjusted, trust it, trust me”
Again, the music industry would rather have perfect persona, rather than someone with depth, or history.

“Party anthems get them dancing”
Refers to songs usually done by Ke$ha, and other pop artists.

“Well, I’m the king of second chancing”
He’d rather give someone a second chance than give into popular demand.

“Airbrush shiny, notoriety
They disappeared into the back
To go and get high-dee”
This most likely refers to certain performers who appear squeaky clean, but later everyone finds out how truly messed up they are. (Miley Cyrus, Demi)

“Hey ho, where did all the good go?”
Good: music that actually takes talent to write/sing.

“Baby this is where you’re dead wrong, alright”
Back-tracking a bit here. He’s saying that there is good music out there, but they are being covered up by all the crap the media portrays as ‘good’.

“Hey ho, here’s to all the zeros
And every misfit and all my down and outs”
Here he mentions three things that people tend to assume are describe one group. However, I think he’s talking about a large group of three types of people. Artists get their talents mainly through tough times. They use those times to create amazing things. Painters, photographers, performers, lyricists… I could go on and on. Here are the three I think are being represented.
Zero’s: ‘Losers’/unpopular kids
Misfit’s: Social disorders
Down and out’s: Depression: Van Gogh anyone?

“Hey ho, where did all the good go?

Baby this is where you’re dead wrong, alright
Hey ho, here’s to all the zeros
And every misfit and all my down and outs”

“You don’t sing, you got a young look so
It’s nothing autotune can’t fix though”
Sorry guys, but most of those young singers you love so much couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. This just reiterates the idea of using image over quality.

“MTV don’t play videos”
Another example of how the industry is changing. No longer do you show what the song truly means, or even an artistic explanation. No, now songs don’t hold very much meaning so there wouldn’t be a point to the videos. If they did show them, they would all be the same.

“And no guitar is allowed on the radio”
So many things are made with computers, it’s almost like they have restricted anything else.

“These days I kind of just pretend so
Guess I don’t mind it just depends though”
Josh is saying that current;y he is pretending to fit in. So even the current song he is singing isn’t really him, just faking.

“Get stuck to every innuendo
But it doesn’t seem to matter in the end so”
He’s used to being called different things, or being connected to different things, but he doesn’t care.

“They say, where’s the next hit baby?
God, how could I top Call Me Maybe?”
1- People don’t care about a single good song. They want a hit. 2-He co-wrote Call Me Maybe.

“Well I’m delirious, she’s bi-curious
Let’s disappear into the back to go and get serious”
I don’t think there is very much meaning here.

“Hey ho, where did all the good go?
Baby this is where you’re dead wrong, alright
Hey ho, here’s to all the zeros
And every misfit and all my down and outs
Hey ho, where did all the good go?
Baby this is where you’re dead wrong, alright
Hey ho, here’s to all the zeros
And every misfit and all my down and outs”

“Hallelujah up for ransom”
People taking profit in things they shouldn’t.

“Cash value for hashtag anthems”
Main shot-out to Instagram. Where people are pain to use certain products, or are paid in reference to how many other people use their hashtag.

“Sing it now

Hallelujah up for ransom
Cash value for hashtag anthems
Hallelujah up for ransom
Cash value for hashtag anthems”

“Where did the rock and roll go?

Hey ho, where did all the good go?
Baby this is where you’re dead wrong, alright
Hey ho, here’s to all the zeros
And every misfit and all my down and outs
Hey ho, where did all the good go?
Baby this is where you’re dead wrong, alright
Hey ho, here’s to all the zeros
And every misfit and all my down and outs

Hey ho, where did all the good go?
Baby this is where you’re dead wrong, alright
Hey ho, here’s to all the zeros
And every misfit and all my down and outs
Hey ho, where did all the good go?
Baby this is where you’re dead wrong, alright
Hey ho, here’s to all the zeros
And every misfit and all my down and outs”

Why High School Mattered

In high school, I was surrounded by people who dress better, are more sociable, and have seemingly perfect lives; in comparison to mine. I believed that so much was important in high school. What I wore, who I talked to, and even what clubs I joined. It wasn’t until, in twenties, I saw yet another high school peer being arrested for drugs, that I realized just how silly it all was.

So why can’t I let go of it?

In high school, I was always trying to be different. I didn’t want to be just like my sisters. I wasn’t ashamed of them in the slightest, but I wanted for once for someone to recognize me for me, not my sisters. So I did crazy make up, wore strange colors, and did a bunch of theatre outside of school. I went to church regularly and joined the choir. That’s even where I met my first serious boyfriend. Not much worked though. Even though I would do a show with someone, once they met my sisters, I was no longer a friends. Just their friend’s little sister.

I would be lying if I said it wasn’t infuriating. But, what can you do? Well it got to the point where it was just me at this school. My senior year. This was supposed to be my year. The year where everyone knew me, and they liked me. At this point I was single, and ready for college at the beach! I was just focused on getting out of there. I ended up as the president of three clubs; Improv, Vocal ensemble, and Play Productions. Those are all vote-ins. So I thought all was well. Right?

Well I would soon find out that basically everyone hated me. They all thought I was stuck-up and didn’t deserve and part in any show because I was such a horrible performer. All of this occurred on Face Book. You could imagine how I felt. These were people I considered friends, my theatre “family”. This was all said through one person, but did anyone stand up for me? Did anyone tell her that they didn’t agree and to shut up? Did anyone back me up?

No. In fact, one of my good friends told this person that they were amazing for saying what no one else had the guts to say. My entire world had fallen apart. Here I am, living my life happy as a clam, just to get slammed with the reality that everyone I knew hated me. It didn’t help that in college, my roommates went behind my back and registered for on-campus housing while I was out looking at 3-bedroom apartments for us.

Some people reading this would say, “So? Not everyone you meet is going to like you, get over it.” But see, you forget, this was in high school. Where everything had mattered to me. To this day, I can’t get close to anyone. What if they hate me too? What if I just annoy everyone I meet? Would it be better for everyone else if I just kept to myself?

I went into a deep depression in college. And I was beyond angry with myself that I let myself get close to people who just ended up hurting me all over again. I knew that people don’t like me. I knew that people will always betray me. So why did I let myself believe that I could be happy with these two? And why did I apologize to them for getting mad at what they had done?

High had a great impact on me. My current boyfriend is constantly telling me that it’s time to move on. Get over it. But how can I? Every single thing that makes me who I am, is because of what happened then. Why I would rather stay home watching Doctor Who, rather than going downtown. Why I spend hours doing my nails, rather than go out to eat. Why I delved into alternative methods of reminding myself that I was a loser, rather than asking friends for help. All because I would rather hurt myself than to let someone else hurt me again. No one should be able to hurt me that badly.

I know that high school is in the past. I know that many from high school are getting arrested. But I also know that those certain people that hurt me so much are living amazing lives. And many people I knew outside of high school now know them, and like them a lot more than they liked me. How am I supposed to cope with the fact that they were right? People don’t actually like me. They just put up with me long enough to find an escape.

There are so many articles explaining why high school doesn’t matter, and how it doesn’t teach you anything. But, for some people, it does. For some  people, the worst day of their lives were then. For some people, every moment of their life they remember what was said about them. For some people, they have yet to find the reason to forget it all.

I just hope that one day I will be able to stand proud of who I have become. I know it will be a while, but one day I will prove those girls wrong.

One day I will be happy with who I am. 

Who am I?

I’m the person you don’t see walk by. I’m the one people have to get you to describe because they can’t remember my name. I’m the one at my high school that everyone forgets one year later. I’m the girl who looks vaguely familiar, but you can’t put your finger on it. I shared the stage many times with you years ago, yet I’m a stranger to you now. I’m the friend from college that you just don’t seem to know much about now. I’m your friend from high school that you grew away from. I’m the one in the picture with you, but you can’t remember why.

I’m that person you see every now and then on Facebook, but you can’t remember why we became friends. I’m the one who comes to where you work every day, but you don’t know my name. I’m the cashier that you ignore because you had a phone call. I’m the fast food worker who already knew your order because you are a regular, but you still act like it’s your first time there. I’m the check-in girl at the hotel who already knows who you are, what level on the rewards program you are, and what company you work for, yet you don’t even look me in the eye.

I’m the coworker that you don’t know much about. I’m the one who always smiles and asks how you are. I am the one who always listens. I am that friend who is always there for you even when you haven’t contacted in months. I’m the sister that you confide in, but I never reciprocate. I’m the daughter that calls every day, but gets rushed off the phone. I’m that one cashier who spoke with you about dogs for ten minutes that you forgot about by the time you got home. I’m the worker that you told about your rough day and gave you a free tub of ice cream, but it wasn’t a flavor you preferred.

I’m the roommate you don’t even know is home. I’m the sister that is always on your side. I’m the idiot wearing long sleeves in the heat of summer. I’m the girl smiling at you as you walk by. I’m the girlfriend that you have to put up with. I’m the one on Pinterest looking up Doctor Who and Sherlock, apologizing for annoying people with them. I’m the one who is always laughing. I’m the worker you can depend on. I’m the one going through the drive through with the cat in my lap that you laugh at. I’m the friend that you talk to all the time, yet you know nothing about me.

I’m some one who cares more about the happiness of others before the happiness of myself. I am someone who would bend over backwards to do something for you if you asked me to. I am someone who can make you laugh when you’re having a bad day. I will have your back and encourage you to stay strong, even when I’m the one who cries myself to sleep each night.

I am there for all these people because I know what it’s like to have no one. So before you judge me for not having the same experiences you might have had in college, high school, or even in general, how about you just stop and think. Think about all those people that you have forgotten about, taken for granted, and abused for so many years. Roll all those people into one person. Put yourself into his/her shoes. Now look at me and judge me. You don’t know where anyone has been, you don’t know what anyone else has had to live through, so you don’t have a right to judge anyone.

It doesn’t matter what you look like, what you’re wearing, what color you are, or even what gender you are. It matters how you treat others.

Inside Out

First of all. SPOILERS. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. This movie is a lot deeper than you think. I went in thinking that it was going to be such a fun and happy movie, and it is! But, man, if you really think about it it brings a much deeper level of thought that kind of hits you by surprise. In a nutshell the story follows the emotions that are inside this little girl, Riley.

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The emotions are coordinated to a color. That obviously match. Joy is clearly the one in control.

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What is interesting, is when each emotion touches the control desk, they are taking over how Riley does certain things. So if Anger has you go upstairs, she stomps up. If Disgust has her say something, Riley will say it as if she was… well, disgusted. Then, each memory that is created reflects the emotion that was in control. So if it is a memory of something that was scary, than the orb would be purple.

The next thing that happens is a little confusing. If you think back, to certain memories, there are a couple that really stand out and make them who you are. Memories of your family, friends, hobbies, things like that. Each time you have a memory like that they become extra special. They go turn into “Core Memories”. Then, in true animation style, those create little islands.

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These are the islands of personalities. These are what makes Riley, Riley. There is, in order, Honesty Island, Friendship Island, Hockey Island, and Goof-ball Island. Now from the very beginning, you see Joy trying her hardest to keep Sadness away from the control desk as well as the orbs. I didn’t really like this, but it was for a reason. I mean who wants to see their person sad right? Joy was just looking out for Riley. While the other emotions weren’t paying attention to Sadness, she went and touched an orb. The orb was originally Gold in color to reflect Joy, yet when Sadness touched it it turned Blue.

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All of a sudden, Riley, who was recalling something happy suddenly saw this memory sad.  This of course  happens at the worst time ever, because she is standing in front of the class talking about the recent move.

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Joy tried to turn it back gold, but it remained blue. This is one of those times when you realize that it has a deeper meaning. Sometimes, when you reflect on happy times, it makes you sad. Sad that those times are over, those people are gone, the fact that those moments won’t happen again. It makes since that it turned blue and wouldn’t turn back. There was something else that Sadness said about wanting to, or feeling like she should touch it.. As if Riley was already slightly thinking it was sad, but needed the actual Sadness to turn it sad. Does that make sense?

Anyway, the movie goes on to show the family moving to California. The house isn’t really a house, and their furniture is lost in Texas. So you can imagine that Joy had plenty of work to do. Eventually, the mom came in to tell Riley that it was wonderful how happy she was staying. That her parents really needed her to stay that happy little girl.

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That’s putting a lot onto a child. But this inspires Joy to keep working. Of course things just can’t happen like that though! While trying to stop Sadness from turning a Core Memory sad, Joy and Sadness both wind up lost in the inner workings of Riley’s mind.

Unfortunately for Riley, this means that Anger, Fear, and Disgust have to take over. She gets in a fight with her parents over many things. And eventually the three emotions come up with an idea to run away back to Minnesota. After all, that is where Riley is happy, so go back and she is happy again right?

Wrong.

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Because she had ruined all her islands, Riley looses everything that made her, her. And because of that the desk starts to loose it’s power. Meaning that no matter what the emotions did, they couldn’t make Riley do anything, which means that Riley couldn’t feel anything.

Joy of all people realize that she has to be sad in order go go home. My mom didn’t seem to understand this part. Why does being sad make you want to go back home? If Joy were able to take control, Riley would have been happy about running away. But because Sadness took over, Riley was sad about leaving her family, so she changes her mind and runs back home.

Then, Sadness has Riley tell her parents about how she has been feeling. “Please don’t be upset with me.” “You want me to be happy.” Riley started recalling those Core Memories, but only after Sadness turned them all blue. This is very deep, for a children’s movie. The past hurts. Sometimes it hurts the longer it’s been, and having Riley say all those things really meant a lot to the whole plot.

Her parent end up hugging her, and comforting her. Sadness then grabs Joy’s hand and puts it on the controller too. So now there is a happy-sad moment happening. A memory orb comes down and it is two-toned.

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This scene meant so much. It wasn’t about letting kids know they can talk to their parents, it wasn’t about trying to make people ‘feel’ something, it was to let everyone know that it is okay to be sad. It is okay to show people that you aren’t okay. Now I realize that I didn’t explain everything in full and complete break-down mode from the movie, but if you haven’t seen it please go, and you will understand. But having a movie like this, with this kind of meaning is a big deal.

There is a feeling in today’s culture that effects so many people. Sadness. Pain. Hurt. Feelings that we are told, influenced, to keep hidden. Smile through the pain, pick yourself up again, don’t let others see you hurt. Why? Why has everyone become so afraid of being human? We all have emotions that effect us, maybe they aren’t as creative as the colorful egos in Riley’s head, but we all still have them. To pretend that everything is okay, when it clearly is not, is something that no one should have to do.

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I believe that the point of this movie is to let people know that it is okay. It’s okay to be sad, to ask for help, to let people know that you are not okay. If this had come out 4 years ago I would probably be a different person, but as it is, here we are. Being sad isn’t something to be ashamed of. You shouldn’t have to hide that part of you. If you are sad, let it out in a healthy manor. Let people know, don’t be afraid of opening up to other people. You shouldn’t have to be left alone with your feelings of self worthlessness.

This is a movie with deeper meanings that I will dwell upon, and probably extend on this review when it comes out on DVD. I wouldn’t call it a kid’s movie. I don’t think that they would understand these thoughts. This is definitely something that I would highly recommend for middle school and high school students. Plus there is a wonderful explanation of cats at the end of the movie. 🙂