Why it is OK to be Selfish

I have been raised to think of others. How can I help those around me? What can I do to show I am there for others? Especially when you are raised as a christian, you are molded into some cookie cutter help-others-personality type. But what if I said you didn’t have to ignore yourself in the process?

Let’s go back a few years. Or four or five… moving on! My first year in college was a crazy one. I was in a city I had never lived in before, living with two other girls I never met before, my new boyfriend had just gone to military training, and I was broke with no car. So doing what every college student does, I got a job. Fast food, right by the college, easily biked to. If you are anything like me, you work hard at everything you do, even fast food. So what happens? They schedule you more hours. then they ask you to come in on days off, or work later. Wanting to be a good little employee and show you can handle it you say yes. Of course. Anything to help others… Right?

But what happens to you? Besides your clothes getting ruined and smelling like grease for the rest of your days. You loose sleep. Your first year in college turns from pulling all-nighters to study to pulling all nighter shifts at work. Grades start slipping, sleep becomes a word you think is a myth and your health is thrown out the door. All to later find out they are hiring people to work shorter shits, higher pay, and half your ability while you pick up the slack.

NO! It is ok to put yourself first. Especially when you are in college. I gave everything I had to that dumb part time-turn full time- job! I missed my first college Halloween party. I had to work on days when my roommates went downtown. I ended up needed to work more to pay to work because of my uniform requirements, or missed opportunities, or the apartment I had to get for the summer. Trust me, I know this sounds petty. Childish almost. There are so many people that have it worse than missing a couple parties in college. I get it! And I respect that. But when I get up with my old roommates and swap stories I only remember that job. What I missed. They have amazing memories and stories and life long friendships that I completely missed out on because I was trying to please someone else. I wasn’t thinking of myself.

Look. When you are young, yes I know I’m still young but still, it is so easy to think you have so much to prove and you should always always say yes when you can and show that you are a hard worker. But there is a difference between being a hard worker and being a push over. Do NOT let people take advantage of you and take you for granite. They know you won’t stay there forever. So don’t let them treat you poorly for the time you are there. You are worth so much more than some part time job that takes over your life.

It’s not just jobs though. Let’s be real. This goes along with friends and family also. I wouldn’t change anything. Let me go ahead and say that. If I hadn’t done what I’ve done, I wouldn’t be who I am now and I like that person. HOWEVER! After graduating from college, I could have staying there. Found my own path, create a life over there. But I thought that I should be thinking of my relationship. We had already spent four years apart. Maybe I should move home, wait for him to ask me to move in. THEN work on finding a job. GUESS WHAT? A year and a half later, I’m single, and stuck in a town I swore I’d never go back to. If I had just been a little selfish and stayed where I was, who knows where I could be in my career right now?

Well I’m being selfish now. And you know how I feel? Great.

I feel pretty dang great right about now. I got a new job in a large city. Might take me a couple months to move over there, but I’ll  get there. GREAT chance for travel and growth. I met a guy, lives far away… but we meet up just for fun. No mess. No worrying about what the other is doing. I’m just thinking about what I want. Who I want to spend my free time with. Where I want to work. What I want to do. I’m done thinking of what others expect of me and what I think they expect. I know I’m a hard worker, and I’ll gladly prove it. but I’m done being the brown nosing employee who gets forgotten about or abused. And you wanna know something? My first day at this new job felt amazing. I’m usually shy ad awkward at new properties… But I really held my own this time. I was confident, because I know what I am good at and I know that this was a good move for me.

I cannot wait to see what the rest of this year has planned for me! But I’m done trying to micromanage my own life. I’m young and I’m ready to start thinking of myself.

 

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Time Flies

I’m so sorry, to no one cause no one reads:) I have been tremendously busy… lazy… slow… Anyway! I’m going to try to get on a weekly posting cycle to get my blog up and running a bit more. Still not sure the direction it will take. Probably just Sassy being… me. But if anyone really cares, here is what I have been up to.

Since December I have been in 3 weddings, and I have one more to go next weekend. This next one I’m the maid of honor. This all sounds fine and dandy… until you learn I just got out of a 5 year long relationship I thought was going to be the first engagement out of my sisters… but no. So celebrating with friends and family over marriages was a bit draining, and having three in three months is also tough.

I also finally have a chance to get OUT OF MY HOME TOWN! Look. Every one says it. Listen to them. Do not plan your life around a boy. I could have staying in the city where I graduated. But no, I moved home, waiting on a guy I would later leave because he is a bit of an idiot. So here I am. One year later, stuck in a town that literally drains the life out of all of it’s residents. NO MORE! I have a job at a bigger city, better pay and once I’m financially stable after all these weddings I will gladly move over there and start moving on with my life!

As far as depression goes, it’s actually been tough… but getting so much better. Honestly the lowest times were when I was fighting for a dying relationship. Now that I’m being selfish and just thinking about myself, I am happier and more confident in who I am and what I have to bring. I’m not sure how long this will last… But I’m going to take advantage of it!

Well I think that is about it fro an update. I’m going to start working on some actual posts that might mean something to someone!

 

Drabble on guys.

Update

(I was going to go through and edit, but I’m too lazy. Forgive any errors!)

I know I haven’t been posting in a while. I have had a lot of things going on personally that I didn’t feel like I was in a good place to post anything.

You know those times when you just have no confidence in anything?

Well that’s where I’ve been. I feel like the best thing I could do is to just get it all out there that way I’m not keeping it all in. So feel free to give me some advise, it would be greatly appreciated. Or you can just give me a quick positive though and just move on. 🙂

Basically, I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years. This person and I have been going to school together since elementary school. We are both in our twenties now. I have known this person inside and out. He is everything to me. The unfortunate thing of our relationship is that we are across the continent. He is so far away, and I’m just here.

A lot of people ask me why I didn’t move to where he is, but I needed to focus on my studies first. I thought we had already planned on me moving after I graduated. But when graduation came and went, I was slightly confused. He seemed a little distant. I would want to cuddle, he’d want to go workout. I’d want to go to the beach, he’d want to stay in. He wouldn’t hold my hand, or kiss me much. It was all very awkward for me.

I finally got a job in my home state, so staying with my parents. I kind of figured sooner or later he would ask me to move up there. But no such luck. Around October/November I remember wanting to fly up to see him. And he acted very strange about the whole thing. Almost as if he didn’t want me up there. It threw me off. So the next time I got to see him was at my sisters wedding. We drove over together, about 5 hours. It was horrible. He didn’t talk to me much, wouldn’t hold my hand, and just acted like he didn’t want to be there with me. At the wedding he was the same way. Wouldn’t show much affection.

Specifically, when a certain song came on, he literally threw  off my hands and walked away to dance in the center o the space for everyone else. I was very hurt. Then my sister came over and said that I should treat him better. That didn’t help at all. I later found out that my Granny had asked him when he planned on asking for my hand and he said that he just wasn’t ready for that.

A little background for you, for years we had talked about getting married and being together. So something had to happen to make him say he wasn’t ready. Something that he wasn’t telling me. I didn’t know how to respond. The absolute worst part of this trip was the wedding night. I got us a room somewhere away from everyone else, thinking we could finally get some alone time… you know? 😉

He simply changed for bed, complained about being tired, and turned his back from me and went to bed. I was beyond hurt. I had no idea what I had done. I t had to be about me. I get not wanting to show PDA, my family was around and maybe that made him uncomfortable. I can understand that. But in a room, alone, with no one else nearby…

He also got very weird with his phone. I used to pick on him about going through his phone, because I knew he would never do anything that he should have to hide. But this trip specifically, he got mad at times. It definitely made me question him. Why now? What happened to make you all of a sudden worried about me seeing your phone?

Later on that month I was home alone. My parents had gone to a Christmas party. I knew he didn’t have plans, so I was trying to hint that I had the house to myself. He said that he and his dad were spending time together. I understood, but kinda wanted him to pick me. But again, I understood. The next day I find out that what he actually did was drive a hour away to some club with another girl and a group of people. I have felt sick to my stomach ever sense.

What had I done to push him away? I had been supportive of his career, I have stood by him through everything. What could I have possibly done to cause him to do something like that? We sat down at the park and I told him straight up that I didn’t deserve that. I have always been there for him and gave him no reason to lie to me like that. I told him to tell me everything, honestly. And I would accept this as a skrewup, and we could work to get past it. I then asked to see his phone. He wouldn’t give it to me until he deleted something first.

I was flabbergasted. All I was going to do was give it right back.. I just wanted that open and honest relationship like we always had. But he was still hiding something. Well a month later I found out that this girl had been to see him across the country. She flew up there, to see him. He swears that it was back in October, and that she had another event nearby, that seeing him was just a side thing. and he swears that they didn’t do anything, and that they actually tried to hook her up with another friend. I was slow to accept this, but then he said that he was still talking to her. I was beyond upset. Her is this person that almost split us up, and he was taking her word over mine. It was crazy.

Later on, my best friend from High School contacted me and sent me so many pictures of conversations, them together, and her flight information. Here I had a whole new set of crap. He swears that the conversations weren’t him, and that all the pictures were back from October. She had a picture of condoms, but he swears that they would never do anything.

Many people want to see me walk away, but as much as I know it’s probably best, I just can’t. I know that there are apps that can falsify text conversations. We found out that this girl was following his snaps on SnapChat. She was blocked on every other social medias, so she was getting info from his story line. I can understand that, and this girl really is crazy.

I have forgiven him for not telling me things, because I truly and honestly believe that he would never cheat on me. He really is just a nice guy that a lot of people read too far into things. There were a lot of holes in this girls story. She claims that she was up there this January, when one of the pictures he’s wearing a Halloween mask. October.

I can understand messing up. I can understand so much, but I don’t understand why. What had I not done? Why did he need this unhealthy relationship that almost tore us apart? How can I accept that he wont do it again?

He has become beyond supportive of me now. He talks about me moving up there all the time. Calls and texts me much more than he has in the past. We started doing daily devotionals together to try and strengthen our relationship through God. And he seems very committed now.

I know that I have forgiven him for not being honest with me, but that feeling in my stomach has not gone away. The fact that someone thought that they could tear our 5-year relationship apart so easily has me worried. I flying up there next month and I’m trying to just focus on me for a little while. I’ve started a healthy diet, and workout regimen. I just can’t shake those images out of my head. Which is exactly what this other person wanted.

Basically i would love some advise on how to release some of this tension that I’ve obviously held on to.