Why it is OK to be Selfish

I have been raised to think of others. How can I help those around me? What can I do to show I am there for others? Especially when you are raised as a christian, you are molded into some cookie cutter help-others-personality type. But what if I said you didn’t have to ignore yourself in the process?

Let’s go back a few years. Or four or five… moving on! My first year in college was a crazy one. I was in a city I had never lived in before, living with two other girls I never met before, my new boyfriend had just gone to military training, and I was broke with no car. So doing what every college student does, I got a job. Fast food, right by the college, easily biked to. If you are anything like me, you work hard at everything you do, even fast food. So what happens? They schedule you more hours. then they ask you to come in on days off, or work later. Wanting to be a good little employee and show you can handle it you say yes. Of course. Anything to help others… Right?

But what happens to you? Besides your clothes getting ruined and smelling like grease for the rest of your days. You loose sleep. Your first year in college turns from pulling all-nighters to study to pulling all nighter shifts at work. Grades start slipping, sleep becomes a word you think is a myth and your health is thrown out the door. All to later find out they are hiring people to work shorter shits, higher pay, and half your ability while you pick up the slack.

NO! It is ok to put yourself first. Especially when you are in college. I gave everything I had to that dumb part time-turn full time- job! I missed my first college Halloween party. I had to work on days when my roommates went downtown. I ended up needed to work more to pay to work because of my uniform requirements, or missed opportunities, or the apartment I had to get for the summer. Trust me, I know this sounds petty. Childish almost. There are so many people that have it worse than missing a couple parties in college. I get it! And I respect that. But when I get up with my old roommates and swap stories I only remember that job. What I missed. They have amazing memories and stories and life long friendships that I completely missed out on because I was trying to please someone else. I wasn’t thinking of myself.

Look. When you are young, yes I know I’m still young but still, it is so easy to think you have so much to prove and you should always always say yes when you can and show that you are a hard worker. But there is a difference between being a hard worker and being a push over. Do NOT let people take advantage of you and take you for granite. They know you won’t stay there forever. So don’t let them treat you poorly for the time you are there. You are worth so much more than some part time job that takes over your life.

It’s not just jobs though. Let’s be real. This goes along with friends and family also. I wouldn’t change anything. Let me go ahead and say that. If I hadn’t done what I’ve done, I wouldn’t be who I am now and I like that person. HOWEVER! After graduating from college, I could have staying there. Found my own path, create a life over there. But I thought that I should be thinking of my relationship. We had already spent four years apart. Maybe I should move home, wait for him to ask me to move in. THEN work on finding a job. GUESS WHAT? A year and a half later, I’m single, and stuck in a town I swore I’d never go back to. If I had just been a little selfish and stayed where I was, who knows where I could be in my career right now?

Well I’m being selfish now. And you know how I feel? Great.

I feel pretty dang great right about now. I got a new job in a large city. Might take me a couple months to move over there, but I’ll  get there. GREAT chance for travel and growth. I met a guy, lives far away… but we meet up just for fun. No mess. No worrying about what the other is doing. I’m just thinking about what I want. Who I want to spend my free time with. Where I want to work. What I want to do. I’m done thinking of what others expect of me and what I think they expect. I know I’m a hard worker, and I’ll gladly prove it. but I’m done being the brown nosing employee who gets forgotten about or abused. And you wanna know something? My first day at this new job felt amazing. I’m usually shy ad awkward at new properties… But I really held my own this time. I was confident, because I know what I am good at and I know that this was a good move for me.

I cannot wait to see what the rest of this year has planned for me! But I’m done trying to micromanage my own life. I’m young and I’m ready to start thinking of myself.

 

Time Flies

I’m so sorry, to no one cause no one reads:) I have been tremendously busy… lazy… slow… Anyway! I’m going to try to get on a weekly posting cycle to get my blog up and running a bit more. Still not sure the direction it will take. Probably just Sassy being… me. But if anyone really cares, here is what I have been up to.

Since December I have been in 3 weddings, and I have one more to go next weekend. This next one I’m the maid of honor. This all sounds fine and dandy… until you learn I just got out of a 5 year long relationship I thought was going to be the first engagement out of my sisters… but no. So celebrating with friends and family over marriages was a bit draining, and having three in three months is also tough.

I also finally have a chance to get OUT OF MY HOME TOWN! Look. Every one says it. Listen to them. Do not plan your life around a boy. I could have staying in the city where I graduated. But no, I moved home, waiting on a guy I would later leave because he is a bit of an idiot. So here I am. One year later, stuck in a town that literally drains the life out of all of it’s residents. NO MORE! I have a job at a bigger city, better pay and once I’m financially stable after all these weddings I will gladly move over there and start moving on with my life!

As far as depression goes, it’s actually been tough… but getting so much better. Honestly the lowest times were when I was fighting for a dying relationship. Now that I’m being selfish and just thinking about myself, I am happier and more confident in who I am and what I have to bring. I’m not sure how long this will last… But I’m going to take advantage of it!

Well I think that is about it fro an update. I’m going to start working on some actual posts that might mean something to someone!

 

Drabble on guys.

To my High School Friend

Dear Friend,

I know that it has been almost five years, but I just can’t help but think about those days. They were truly the worst days, but they were the best. There are so many things that you helped me with that you don’t understand. So many days where you were the only reason I went to school. Over the years I have grown and changed in so many ways, but there will always be our relationship that doesn’t change. We haven’t seen each other in years, but I know that our hearts are still connected. There’s a bond between us that will never be torn apart.

You didn’t know how much those sleep overs meant to me. Knowing that there was someone there that actually wanted to see me outside of school. Knowing that you cared enough meant a lot. It also gave me a chance to get away from my house. I’m not saying it was bad, but there were definitely times where I thought I couldn’t breathe, and being able to spend time away with you was wonderful.

Our hour long phone calls that annoyed my family were some of the best times. You had no idea what those meant to me. There were times where I wanted to stay in a deep depression and not talk to anyone at all. Then, I’d get a phone call from you. You were able to wash all those harmful thoughts out of my mind and let me escape for a couple hours with you. I sometimes wonder if I have ever laughed that hard since then.

Talking about all the horrible people we went to school with was some of my favorite conversations. Being able to hear someone else agree that those people were crap was very reassuring. You helped me to not focus on others word because if you didn’t like them, then why should I listen?

Your support was more than I deserved at times. You went to every single one of my performances. That meant so much. In one ear I was hearing people say how horrible I was and that directors were stupid for casting me in anything, and in the other ear I was hearing you ask about all the details of the stage. You actually cared, and didn’t think I was that bad. You were always the positive voice in my head.

There are so many more things I wish I could talk about, but it is not my place. While you never knew how low I was then, I didn’t know that you were also low. That those sleep overs meant more to you, because they kept out your demons. Your questions about theatre helped to paint a world that was different from what you knew. Those days where we never talked to each other, but walked side-by-side meant that you needed that company more than you needed words.

I wish that we had talked to each other about our difficulties, but I just wanted you to know that I have been honored by your friendship. I am glad that we could shine a light on each other’s darkness and be a true friend. I will never have another friend that will share what we have. We have both moved on, you more so than I. And even though those were our roughest days, I would never alter a single one in fear of loosing what we had.

So thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Update

(I was going to go through and edit, but I’m too lazy. Forgive any errors!)

I know I haven’t been posting in a while. I have had a lot of things going on personally that I didn’t feel like I was in a good place to post anything.

You know those times when you just have no confidence in anything?

Well that’s where I’ve been. I feel like the best thing I could do is to just get it all out there that way I’m not keeping it all in. So feel free to give me some advise, it would be greatly appreciated. Or you can just give me a quick positive though and just move on. 🙂

Basically, I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years. This person and I have been going to school together since elementary school. We are both in our twenties now. I have known this person inside and out. He is everything to me. The unfortunate thing of our relationship is that we are across the continent. He is so far away, and I’m just here.

A lot of people ask me why I didn’t move to where he is, but I needed to focus on my studies first. I thought we had already planned on me moving after I graduated. But when graduation came and went, I was slightly confused. He seemed a little distant. I would want to cuddle, he’d want to go workout. I’d want to go to the beach, he’d want to stay in. He wouldn’t hold my hand, or kiss me much. It was all very awkward for me.

I finally got a job in my home state, so staying with my parents. I kind of figured sooner or later he would ask me to move up there. But no such luck. Around October/November I remember wanting to fly up to see him. And he acted very strange about the whole thing. Almost as if he didn’t want me up there. It threw me off. So the next time I got to see him was at my sisters wedding. We drove over together, about 5 hours. It was horrible. He didn’t talk to me much, wouldn’t hold my hand, and just acted like he didn’t want to be there with me. At the wedding he was the same way. Wouldn’t show much affection.

Specifically, when a certain song came on, he literally threw  off my hands and walked away to dance in the center o the space for everyone else. I was very hurt. Then my sister came over and said that I should treat him better. That didn’t help at all. I later found out that my Granny had asked him when he planned on asking for my hand and he said that he just wasn’t ready for that.

A little background for you, for years we had talked about getting married and being together. So something had to happen to make him say he wasn’t ready. Something that he wasn’t telling me. I didn’t know how to respond. The absolute worst part of this trip was the wedding night. I got us a room somewhere away from everyone else, thinking we could finally get some alone time… you know? 😉

He simply changed for bed, complained about being tired, and turned his back from me and went to bed. I was beyond hurt. I had no idea what I had done. I t had to be about me. I get not wanting to show PDA, my family was around and maybe that made him uncomfortable. I can understand that. But in a room, alone, with no one else nearby…

He also got very weird with his phone. I used to pick on him about going through his phone, because I knew he would never do anything that he should have to hide. But this trip specifically, he got mad at times. It definitely made me question him. Why now? What happened to make you all of a sudden worried about me seeing your phone?

Later on that month I was home alone. My parents had gone to a Christmas party. I knew he didn’t have plans, so I was trying to hint that I had the house to myself. He said that he and his dad were spending time together. I understood, but kinda wanted him to pick me. But again, I understood. The next day I find out that what he actually did was drive a hour away to some club with another girl and a group of people. I have felt sick to my stomach ever sense.

What had I done to push him away? I had been supportive of his career, I have stood by him through everything. What could I have possibly done to cause him to do something like that? We sat down at the park and I told him straight up that I didn’t deserve that. I have always been there for him and gave him no reason to lie to me like that. I told him to tell me everything, honestly. And I would accept this as a skrewup, and we could work to get past it. I then asked to see his phone. He wouldn’t give it to me until he deleted something first.

I was flabbergasted. All I was going to do was give it right back.. I just wanted that open and honest relationship like we always had. But he was still hiding something. Well a month later I found out that this girl had been to see him across the country. She flew up there, to see him. He swears that it was back in October, and that she had another event nearby, that seeing him was just a side thing. and he swears that they didn’t do anything, and that they actually tried to hook her up with another friend. I was slow to accept this, but then he said that he was still talking to her. I was beyond upset. Her is this person that almost split us up, and he was taking her word over mine. It was crazy.

Later on, my best friend from High School contacted me and sent me so many pictures of conversations, them together, and her flight information. Here I had a whole new set of crap. He swears that the conversations weren’t him, and that all the pictures were back from October. She had a picture of condoms, but he swears that they would never do anything.

Many people want to see me walk away, but as much as I know it’s probably best, I just can’t. I know that there are apps that can falsify text conversations. We found out that this girl was following his snaps on SnapChat. She was blocked on every other social medias, so she was getting info from his story line. I can understand that, and this girl really is crazy.

I have forgiven him for not telling me things, because I truly and honestly believe that he would never cheat on me. He really is just a nice guy that a lot of people read too far into things. There were a lot of holes in this girls story. She claims that she was up there this January, when one of the pictures he’s wearing a Halloween mask. October.

I can understand messing up. I can understand so much, but I don’t understand why. What had I not done? Why did he need this unhealthy relationship that almost tore us apart? How can I accept that he wont do it again?

He has become beyond supportive of me now. He talks about me moving up there all the time. Calls and texts me much more than he has in the past. We started doing daily devotionals together to try and strengthen our relationship through God. And he seems very committed now.

I know that I have forgiven him for not being honest with me, but that feeling in my stomach has not gone away. The fact that someone thought that they could tear our 5-year relationship apart so easily has me worried. I flying up there next month and I’m trying to just focus on me for a little while. I’ve started a healthy diet, and workout regimen. I just can’t shake those images out of my head. Which is exactly what this other person wanted.

Basically i would love some advise on how to release some of this tension that I’ve obviously held on to.

The Third Side of the Story of Us

There was a time when you came to me. I was your rock, your solid ground when you felt like falling.

There was a time when the light you woke up to was me. Your day started with saying hello to me.

There was a time when missing me felt like missing a lung.

There was a time when you loved me.

What happened?

 

There’s been a third wheel attached to us. But instead of behind us, it took my place. Leaving me trailing behind. Looking at our tracks you couldn’t tell. But seeing the whole picture you could see. You didn’t really care for me.

Now something has stolen my place. It’s dimmed my light so that it seemed brighter. No longer you come to me for stability. No longer are we a pair. You found something else that has changed your life more than I ever could.

If you would think that I’d ask you to give it up, you do not know me at all. I have loved you through it all. And although I saw it take over, I still held on. I held on to you. Thinking that if I just held on, you’d realize that I’ve always been there.

But I will never be there for you if you don’t look for me. So instead of making you miserable, I’m letting you go. Go and feel free to indulge in what really makes you happy. I could never live with myself knowing that I was keeping you from something you love.

I just really hate that the thing taking my place is something so silly. But I do not love it as much as you do. And you do not love me as much as you do it. So I’m putting my foot down and saying that I deserve to be loved as much as I love. Because I would rather fight with you than fall in love with anyone else. But I would never force you to stay with someone you don’t love.

15 GIFs about hiding depression

These are 15 GIFs that I hope explains why people should keep an open mind about what they say. You never know who is hiding something.

 

  1. “I’m so glad I don’t know what it’s like to have depression, you know?”

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Many people should be happy about this. But it’s very ironic when this topic comes up in conversation and people ask you, thinking you have no idea. It’s almost delightful knowing that you have gotten away with it.

 

2. Finally being alone after going out. 

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I do not like going out often. If I do go out, it’s not willingly. The second I get to escape I finally get to relax. Put down the fake exterior and persona.

 

3. “I just don’t get why people self harm. It’s so stupid.”

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There’s only so many things you can defend with out people catching on. You unwillingly have to agree, but that doesn’t mean you have to say anything. You just hang in there till you can leave.

 

4. “People who say they have depression just need to cheer up and get over themselves.”

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I will be honest, before I dealt with anything like this I had said the same thing. It’s not something that one can just get over. It’s severe and invisible, but it’s there. You can’t tell people about their ignorance though, they will understand some day. When someone they know or love opens up to them, they will understand.

 

5. “Those people just want attention.” 

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When was the last time you saw someone waving their scars around? Or bragging about how many times they forced themselves to starve? It’s not something that people are proud of. It’s not something they want everyone to know about. It’s something that is private and personal. A way for each person to handle the different stress of their lives.

 

6. When someone points out one of your scars and you have to make up some story. 

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Here we go again.

 

7. When someone clearly accepts you lie and moves on. 

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Wait. Really? Are you really going to believe that load of shit? Okay. Fair enough. Moving on.

 

8. “Ew, your music is so emo.”

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You don’t like it you can leave.

 

9. When you’re biting your tongue when you just want to scream.

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So many times.

 

10. Deciding whether or not you should tell someone. 

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There are so many obstacles. What if they hate you? What if they judge you? What if they call you crazy? You know you should tell someone, but you never know who you can trust.

 

11. “You should cover that up, people might think you cut yourself.”

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Yes. I have heard this more than once. Someone believes some bogus story about a faulty belt or an angry cat and then say something like this. What can you do?

 

12. When someone who knows points it out in public. 

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Look, if someone opens up to you, don’t you dare talk about it to anyone else, or in front of anyone else. It’s not your place.

 

13. “I totally get it, I mean I get so depressed after Christmas ends I could die.”

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Yeah, because that is exactly the same thing.

 

14. “Don’t lie to me. I know better.”

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Usually, when someone cares enough, they will figure it out on their own. But there is no denying the terrifying feeling you get when someone says that.

15. When someone is actually there for you.

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These people deserve metals. People who know someones deepest secret, and stays by them and helps them without judging. Seriously, do those people exist? If so, props. You all are amazing.

 

Why High School Mattered

In high school, I was surrounded by people who dress better, are more sociable, and have seemingly perfect lives; in comparison to mine. I believed that so much was important in high school. What I wore, who I talked to, and even what clubs I joined. It wasn’t until, in twenties, I saw yet another high school peer being arrested for drugs, that I realized just how silly it all was.

So why can’t I let go of it?

In high school, I was always trying to be different. I didn’t want to be just like my sisters. I wasn’t ashamed of them in the slightest, but I wanted for once for someone to recognize me for me, not my sisters. So I did crazy make up, wore strange colors, and did a bunch of theatre outside of school. I went to church regularly and joined the choir. That’s even where I met my first serious boyfriend. Not much worked though. Even though I would do a show with someone, once they met my sisters, I was no longer a friends. Just their friend’s little sister.

I would be lying if I said it wasn’t infuriating. But, what can you do? Well it got to the point where it was just me at this school. My senior year. This was supposed to be my year. The year where everyone knew me, and they liked me. At this point I was single, and ready for college at the beach! I was just focused on getting out of there. I ended up as the president of three clubs; Improv, Vocal ensemble, and Play Productions. Those are all vote-ins. So I thought all was well. Right?

Well I would soon find out that basically everyone hated me. They all thought I was stuck-up and didn’t deserve and part in any show because I was such a horrible performer. All of this occurred on Face Book. You could imagine how I felt. These were people I considered friends, my theatre “family”. This was all said through one person, but did anyone stand up for me? Did anyone tell her that they didn’t agree and to shut up? Did anyone back me up?

No. In fact, one of my good friends told this person that they were amazing for saying what no one else had the guts to say. My entire world had fallen apart. Here I am, living my life happy as a clam, just to get slammed with the reality that everyone I knew hated me. It didn’t help that in college, my roommates went behind my back and registered for on-campus housing while I was out looking at 3-bedroom apartments for us.

Some people reading this would say, “So? Not everyone you meet is going to like you, get over it.” But see, you forget, this was in high school. Where everything had mattered to me. To this day, I can’t get close to anyone. What if they hate me too? What if I just annoy everyone I meet? Would it be better for everyone else if I just kept to myself?

I went into a deep depression in college. And I was beyond angry with myself that I let myself get close to people who just ended up hurting me all over again. I knew that people don’t like me. I knew that people will always betray me. So why did I let myself believe that I could be happy with these two? And why did I apologize to them for getting mad at what they had done?

High had a great impact on me. My current boyfriend is constantly telling me that it’s time to move on. Get over it. But how can I? Every single thing that makes me who I am, is because of what happened then. Why I would rather stay home watching Doctor Who, rather than going downtown. Why I spend hours doing my nails, rather than go out to eat. Why I delved into alternative methods of reminding myself that I was a loser, rather than asking friends for help. All because I would rather hurt myself than to let someone else hurt me again. No one should be able to hurt me that badly.

I know that high school is in the past. I know that many from high school are getting arrested. But I also know that those certain people that hurt me so much are living amazing lives. And many people I knew outside of high school now know them, and like them a lot more than they liked me. How am I supposed to cope with the fact that they were right? People don’t actually like me. They just put up with me long enough to find an escape.

There are so many articles explaining why high school doesn’t matter, and how it doesn’t teach you anything. But, for some people, it does. For some  people, the worst day of their lives were then. For some people, every moment of their life they remember what was said about them. For some people, they have yet to find the reason to forget it all.

I just hope that one day I will be able to stand proud of who I have become. I know it will be a while, but one day I will prove those girls wrong.

One day I will be happy with who I am. 

“You need Jesus”

Today, in the heat of a dispute, a lady started to walk away and over her shoulder said, “You have a bad attitude and you need Jesus.” I responded with, “That was very polite, thank you.”

The entire thing was because she was carrying around a dog within the hotel, and seeing as it was a pet free property, and not seeing any evidence of it being a service animal, I simply asked her if it was in fact her pet. She responded, yes. I could easily rattle on multiple reasons why I didn’t believe this to be a service dog, but all that aside I’m not allowed to ask for proof. Later, her husband came up in a tizzy upset that there was a problem. After discussing that there wasn’t actually any problems, and that service dogs are more then welcome, she came over and said her line about Jesus.

I don’t care what anyone has done.If they cuss you out, or are just plain rude, if you truly think they need Jesus, just pray for them! Don’t even tell them that you are. Rudely stating that someone needs Jesus is just trying  to make yourself feel and sound like the better person. You aren’t. Neither was I, I should have responded with, I agree. Or something that notes the fact that everyone always needs Jesus. Pointing it out is just rude.

Will I pray for that family, of course, will I be a bit sour about it? Well, maybe for a couple hours. But I am human. We are not all perfect. So of course I need Jesus. I’m proud to admit that there are many things that I need him for. But I would never use religion as a focal point of an argument just to verify my beliefs. I know that I have a relationship with God, could it be stronger, yes. Could everyone’s? Yes.

 

So on a side note: If you, or anyone you know, needs prayers. Let me know. I would be more than happy to add you to my list!

Who am I?

I’m the person you don’t see walk by. I’m the one people have to get you to describe because they can’t remember my name. I’m the one at my high school that everyone forgets one year later. I’m the girl who looks vaguely familiar, but you can’t put your finger on it. I shared the stage many times with you years ago, yet I’m a stranger to you now. I’m the friend from college that you just don’t seem to know much about now. I’m your friend from high school that you grew away from. I’m the one in the picture with you, but you can’t remember why.

I’m that person you see every now and then on Facebook, but you can’t remember why we became friends. I’m the one who comes to where you work every day, but you don’t know my name. I’m the cashier that you ignore because you had a phone call. I’m the fast food worker who already knew your order because you are a regular, but you still act like it’s your first time there. I’m the check-in girl at the hotel who already knows who you are, what level on the rewards program you are, and what company you work for, yet you don’t even look me in the eye.

I’m the coworker that you don’t know much about. I’m the one who always smiles and asks how you are. I am the one who always listens. I am that friend who is always there for you even when you haven’t contacted in months. I’m the sister that you confide in, but I never reciprocate. I’m the daughter that calls every day, but gets rushed off the phone. I’m that one cashier who spoke with you about dogs for ten minutes that you forgot about by the time you got home. I’m the worker that you told about your rough day and gave you a free tub of ice cream, but it wasn’t a flavor you preferred.

I’m the roommate you don’t even know is home. I’m the sister that is always on your side. I’m the idiot wearing long sleeves in the heat of summer. I’m the girl smiling at you as you walk by. I’m the girlfriend that you have to put up with. I’m the one on Pinterest looking up Doctor Who and Sherlock, apologizing for annoying people with them. I’m the one who is always laughing. I’m the worker you can depend on. I’m the one going through the drive through with the cat in my lap that you laugh at. I’m the friend that you talk to all the time, yet you know nothing about me.

I’m some one who cares more about the happiness of others before the happiness of myself. I am someone who would bend over backwards to do something for you if you asked me to. I am someone who can make you laugh when you’re having a bad day. I will have your back and encourage you to stay strong, even when I’m the one who cries myself to sleep each night.

I am there for all these people because I know what it’s like to have no one. So before you judge me for not having the same experiences you might have had in college, high school, or even in general, how about you just stop and think. Think about all those people that you have forgotten about, taken for granted, and abused for so many years. Roll all those people into one person. Put yourself into his/her shoes. Now look at me and judge me. You don’t know where anyone has been, you don’t know what anyone else has had to live through, so you don’t have a right to judge anyone.

It doesn’t matter what you look like, what you’re wearing, what color you are, or even what gender you are. It matters how you treat others.

I’m Alive: Next to Normal

Next to Normal is a tense and chilling musical. That’s right, a creepy musical. And it is amazing. This is by far my favorite show that I have ever seen or heard of. I’ll give a quick overview of what the show is about, then go into the lyrics of the song I’m Alive.

So the entire show consists of 6 people. Mother, father, son, daughter, boyfriend, psycho-pharmacologist are those 6! But there is a catch, the son actually died when he was a baby.

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The mother never got over him, so in her mind he kept growing, kept again. So he is present throughout the show as a figment of her imagination… Or is he?

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This is Aaron Tveit… The amazing, sexy, wonderful man that is the son. You might recognize him from Les Miserables, Enjolras, or from Graceland.. Where he is one of the leads! Well, this guy can also sing… Like a flippen angel. And in this role he is absolutely breath-takingly creepy.

He plays the son that is constantly trying to convince his mother that he isn’t just a figment of her imagination, but that he is really alive. Trying to convince her that he is alive isn’t the only thing that he is trying to convince to to do though, he also wants her to join him. But that is a whole other song! So throughout the show you get to see her struggle between her husband who lovingly stays by her side, and her son that has aged into a handsome man.

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All the son wants is for her to actually grieve him. Not pretend he was never alive, but really grieve him. For his dad, he wants him to acknowledge him. But what makes this show absolutely amazing is the acting. The way the characters pour themselves into the parts is gut wrenching at times.

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I cannot tell you enough about how amazing this show is. If you like characters with depth this is the show for you. I wont go into detail about how much the sister struggles with dealing with a mentally ill mother, but I will tell you that it is amazing. I think I have described enough to go into the analysis of the song. Keep in mind that he is jumping all over the amazingly well built stage!

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“I am what you want me to be,
And I’m your worst fear”
This line is incredibly accurate. There are a couple ways, based on staging, that you can interpret this. I’m going to try and base everything on what the lyricist was thinking when this song was written. Basing it more upon the thought process of the character. Directors will have the actors doing different things. THAT being said here are the two ways. 1) The son is singing the first part of the song to his mother, and the second part to his father. This is based on the mother’s constant struggle between believing her husband that her son isn’t really there, and believing that her son really is there. 2) The first part is fulfilling the hope that their son hadn’t really died. It was all a nightmare, he isn’t gone, he’s okay. That’s what they want. The second part of the lyric would be the reality of why the son is there. He wants them all to join him. He isn’t there to provide peaceful thoughts, he wants to stir up trouble and get them to join him on the other side. This would all depend on the staging done by the director. If he directs the son to indicate to each parent on the specific line, then the first interpretation is being used. However, if that is not the case, and he is singing to one than the second one is being used.

“You’ll find it in me.
Come closer…
Come closer…”
He is singing to his mother throughout this song. She is in a therapy session as he is singing. So I think that this line is being used to try and convince her further that she needed to leave her therapist and go to him.

“I am more than memory”
A simple memory, such as last week when you “cheated” on your diet isn’t something that makes you loose sleep. A traumatic event, such as loosing someone close to you is something so much more. So when he says that he is more than a memory, he’s referring to being more tangible than a fleeting thought. 

“I am what might be,”
Clearly, he is embodying the person that he could have been if he hadn’t died. the life they could have had, if he were there.

“I am mystery.”
Since she isn’t sure, within her mind, if he is there or not. Even if he is, why is he there? Why is he doing this? It’s all a mystery.

“You know me
So show me.”
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With this line, once again, he is singing to his mother while she is in a therapy session. I feel like he is trying to remind her, “You know me” remember? “So show me” So prove it. He is trying to get her to choose him.

“When I appear it’s
Not so clear if
I’m a simple spirit
Or I’m flesh and blood…”
When the son isn’t around, it might be easy for her to believe that he really isn’t there. It really is in her head. That’s why he points out the fact that it is when he appears it’s hard to tell whether or not he is there.

“But I’m alive,
I’m alive,
I am so alive,”
Leading off the previous line, he is telling her that he isn’t that simple spirit every says he is he really is alive.

“And I feed on the fear
That’s behind your eyes.”
May I just start with how much I love this line? It’s hard to know exactly what was meant by this line. Is it merely a metaphor? He loves the fear that radiates from the family that he compares it to something he can’t live without: food? Or is it literal? The more they fear him, the stronger he gets? I’m going to go with the second one because of the next line.

“And I need you
To need me”
And this is why I think that it is an actually craving. He needs to be wanted. If not, he’d fade away. So the more she believes he is there the stronger he will get.

“It’s no surprise
I’m alive…
So alive…
I’m alive.”
I’ve thought about his line for hours. I know that sounds strange, but why does he say this particularly? Rhyme? No, they could have had him say “I tell no lies” or something like that. But I think that I finally figure it out. If he feeds on the fear, than it’s no surprise that he is alive. Going along with the whole idea that he gets stronger the more people fear/accept him, than he is saying that it really is not a surprise that he is “alive”. 

“I am flame and I am fire,
I am destruction,
Decay and desire”
All of these, including desire, could be interpreting dark things. Such as sins, desire – lust. I like how the writers used flame and fire. A flame isn’t necessarily dangerous. But a fire is. the flame is the beautiful, yet dangerous part of the fire. Sort of like the thorn on a rose. To combine destruction and decay with desire was probably convenient for the alliteration. However, destruction and decay are words that could relate to other things. Destruction, the ruining of the mind and body. Decay – withering away in both the mind and body. Desire- the powerful feeling of need and want for something. Could he be saying that what she is craving of him is actually what will bring her mind to completely wiped?

“I’ll hurt you…
I’ll heal you…”
As talked about at the beginning of this song, there are two ways to look at this based on staging. It could be that the first part of the line could be directed towards the father or therapist, and the second part to the mother. If not directed like that, it could just be the son saying that he will hurt you, but then softens to reassure that he would also heal. It could also stand to mean that in healing you, he is actually hurting you.

“I’m your wish,
Your dream come true,”
If you have ever lost someone close to you, you know what he is saying. The mother completely lost her mind when she lost her son. All she wants is for him to be back, so he is. 

“And I am your darkest
Nightmare too”
Considering how much he want her to join him, there is no denying the accuracy of this line.

“I’ve shown you…
I own you.”
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This is another one that is a little confusing unless you know the show well. The concept of him owning his mother is very strange and could be difficult to wrap your head around. Until you realize the whole joining thing. Or even when he tell her that he would be there, not her husband. Then when they fight, the son is always there. and even when she leaves for a while, he knows that she will be back. This picture above is from the song “There’s a World” which is where is finally has her attempt to join him. Such an wonderful song when performed correctly.

“And though you made me,
You can’t change me”
He is their son, but he is so much more than that now. He might have been created by them in life, but in death something darker seems to have control over their “son”. I feel like  he is sort of rubbing it in her face. You might have been able to control me, if you didn’t let me die. 

“I’m the perfect stranger
Who knows you too well.”
This tags along with the previous line. She might think of him as her son, but he is really something darker. A complete stranger who bares the face of her baby boy. Something that no mother would be able to ignore.

And I’m alive,
I’m alive,
I am so alive,
“And I’ll tell you the truth
If you let me try.”
She has been told countless times that he isn’t there. A figment of her imagination that confuses her. So I feel like at this part he is trying to tease her to draw her closer. As if there were a deeper reality that others can’t sense and he was finally going to let her in on the secret.

“You’re alive,
I’m alive,”
Trying to compare himself to his mother, if you’re alive I must be alive too, right?

“And I’ll show why
I’m alive…
So alive…”
Again with the same feeling that he is teasing her with some piece of the puzzle that she’s been looking for for years.

“I’m alive
I’m right behind you.”
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For this line it is the staging. For the production I saw, as well as the image above, he was coaxing his sister. He pushed their mothers purse out so that she would feel inclined to go through it and take her medication. He just wants to have a big family reunion when they all join him, huh?

“You say forget,
But I remind you.”
The whole notion that he doesn’t want to be forgotten is hidden throughout the show. The docs try to give her so many meds she doesn’t even know why she needs them anymore. Later in this song he mentions, until you grieve me, as in until you remember. So every time she moves on a little bit past, she isn’t actually grieving. She’s either forgetting about it, or pretending it never happened. So he is there to remind her every time she thinks she can take a shortcut through the grief.

“You can try to hide,
You know that I will find you.”
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 He thinks of himself as a God, and with enough conviction people will see him as one too. She has never been able to escape him, so when he says this he is reiterating to her that she will never be cleansed from him.

“‘Cause if you won’t grieve me
You won’t leave me behind…”
And here is that line I was talking about previously. She has never just dealt with what happened. The event was so traumatic that her brain thought is would be easier to forget, or pretend, that is ever happened. So until she confronts what happened, he isn’t going anywhere.

“Ah, ah, ah,
Whoa, oh, oh,
Whoa, oh, oh…
No, no, no
I’m alive,
I’m alive,
I am so alive,”

“If you climb on my back,
Then we both can fly.”
Once more I feel like he is trying to get her to join him. Come with me and I’ll make you feel wonderful. 

“If you try to deny me
I’ll never die”
Until she confronts what happened, he ain’t going anywhere!

I’m alive…
So alive…
I’m alive…
Yeah, yeah…
I’m alive…
I’m alive…
I’m alive…
I’m alive!

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And this is how the song ends. The mother on the bottom floor reaching up to the son her is on the top floor who is reaching down. Father and daughter, respectfully, on the second floor facing opposite directions. Finally the therapist on the same level as the mother, simply looking at her. I think the mother and son reaching thing is easily explained. But something about the father and daughter sat strangely with me. why have them face different ways? Why have them on the second level? Yes, it probably was because it was pretty. But it would also stand to reason that they were standing in the was of the son and mother being together. As for them facing different directions, could show disinterest. They aren’t facing each other, which would be interpreted as something familiar to a family. They are facing opposite, which stands to reason that they have opposing standpoints.