Angry

There is a situation going on in my family right now. Someone has done something unbelievably upsetting. And most have turned their backs.

 

I have heard people already state – it’s family, you never turn your back on family. Alright, but what if it’s a family member that’s being affected by the member you want to turn you back on? Here is the EXTRA kick. What if it’s an in-law?

 

I’ll stop being so vague. My sister has cheated on her husband. Someone that the whole family loves. They have been married two years and have an almost 1 year old baby boy. She claims she has never been happy and that her husband had pushed her to get married then pushed her to have a baby.

I call complete bullshit. This sister, let’s call her – Beatrice, has been the one pushing things faster than they need to be. She has done this in the past to previous boyfriends, convincing them that if things were to continue they needed to buy her rings and jewelry. The second they wise up, or she gets bored, she moves on. And that is what has happened.

 

No. He did not push her to get married. She has always wanted to be the first to get married. I had (3) sisters get engaged close together. One sister planned hers for December, Beatrice got engaged in June or July then tried to plan her wedding before the December one. We all, including the fiance, had to convince her to wait and plan a proper wedding. He did not push her to have a kid, she has been saying for years she wanted a family. She texted the whole family every week with updated pictures, even on week 5 when there were no updates.

 

She simply got bored. REAL life hit her and all of a sudden she is bored. She has said that she misses going out to clubs, she misses having a social life. that absolutely didn’t make the whole walking away from you husband thing ok with anyone. So then she tried blaming her husband for everything. Said he would never take her back and that he was kicking her out.

 

Actually. The husband was lost and confused and scared to even tell his own family. Opened up to my mother – crying – saying he had no idea. He wanted to make things work and didn’t understand how Beatrice could walk out the way she had.

 

She has stopped listening to all reason. She stopped talking to her best friend because she tried to talk reason into her. She won’t talk to her parents or sisters anymore. The only people she is listening to are the ones telling her that she deserved to be happy and to do whatever it takes to do that. Beatrice claims she hasn’t been happy for years. What years?? They’ve only been married for 2! She seemed pretty damn happy through all of it

 

I’m sorry. NO. I would be SO VERY HAPPY to ram my car into all the asshole drivers out there. But that would be WRONG. Once you made a vow, once you have a CHILD, you have other people to think about. And there is Beatrice’s problem. She cannot think of other people. Once people wise up to the fact that she is a self-absorbed prat, she flips out and make everyone else the bad guy. She will lie and create the fantastical stories in her mind and convince people that she is innocent and right.

 

I should know. She has done this to me growing up. She convinced the group of theatre people we hung out with that I was a horrible person who was horrible to her. I never knew about this until her friend told me about how I wasn’t nearly as bitchy as Beatrice had made me out to be. Maybe that’s why I am taking this whole thing so personally. Maybe it’s also because I was her maid of honor. I stood in front of our family and his and swore to him that he had just gained four sisters. He had been an only child. I told him that he now had four defenders of him and we would always be by his side. Or, maybe, it’s because I have been cheated on in almost every relationship I’ve been in. I know what it is like to feel worthless and unwanted. My sister has done that to someone now. I know how hard it is to get over that. I still have yet to get over it. I have been terrified of getting into any relationship because I know it will end in misery when the other person inevitably find out that I’m not worth their time. I have fought with the demons that were put in me by other people and now my own sister has done that to my brother (in-law). Who do I support?

 

How do I process my anger for this situation? I’ve known for a couple weeks now and have yet to talk to either Beatrice or her husband. I have no idea what to say, or what I should say. I’m so tired of Beatrice thinking of herself and nothing more. She is self absorbed and arrogant. How on earth can we be related? She did something unforgivable and yet her husband wants to make it work. She lies to everyone and yet still thinks that she has a right to by angry with us all.

 

She is risking loosing everything that people would kill for. In fact, I have another sister who is in serious trouble with the law. She is facing jail time for something, as deserving as she is, that she needed help with. She would kill to be in Beatrice’s shoes. To have a husband who surprises her with flowers and chocolate, who spends hours fixing things around the house that Beatrice broke, who buys her dresses to wear out on a surprise date night. Rather than being in a situation that she is in now.

 

When Beatrice was told about the other sister with major problems you know what she said? Nothing. She didn’t say a damn thing. She continued to cry instead. Has she said anything since? Has she gone back and reflected over the conversation and then freak out with concern over her sister facing something so intense? No. She doesn’t care.

 

Why should I care for someone her cares about nothing but herself? And how do I stop feeling bad for wanting to hate her? She is not only taring apart her own family, she is taring apart mine as well and I can’t do anything about it. All I can do is sit by and watch her do what she has always done.

 

How do I process my anger? How am I supposed to talk about her with pride, as a sister should, when I am just disgusted by her actions? Who is to blame for ending the relationship, me? For not reaching out and trying to speak to her? Am I then the bad guy for turning my back? Am I really turning my back if I was never reached out to to begin with?

 

In the grand scheme of things, there are people out there facing more daunting problems than this. Forgive me for only thinking of myself in these times. I’m used to being able to find the line in situations. Finding the real problem and solving it. I’m a logical and objective person who can openly admit wrong doing, if I have done or said something wrong. But this? This I am completely biased on and have no idea how to process something like this and be able to sleep at night.

 

That’s why I haven’t spoken to either “Beatrice” or her husband. If I talk to her husband, it would feel like I was talking to myself. If I talk to Beatrice, It’s like I’m confronting the guys who have cheated on me. I am angry. I’m confused, and I’m sad. This will not be something I’ll be able to get over any time soon. I know this is a random pointless thing to post, but I had to get it out. I don’t talk to many people about things. Sometimes, all you need to do is say things or type them out.

 

Oh well. Maybe I’ll work up the courage to contact my brother this weekend.

Here’s hoping.

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World Mental Health Day

#WMHD

Even though something is invisible doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

 

This is something that even I did not understand a handful of years ago. I was one of those people who complained that people needed to get over it or cheer up. I hate myself for thinking that now. Because little did I know at that point, I had been dealing with depression.

 

I hated most things about myself, delved into unhealthy activities to prevent myself from dwelling on the fact that I was miserable, and self harmed. Looking back, I might have been over simplifying it because I wanted to avoid the topic or conversations. I didn’t really trust many people to open up to, so I kept the jokes going and kept the spirits up. While in the dark I cried and hated myself.

 

It wasn’t until a couple years ago when I was sitting in a tub, water cascading down my clothed body, razor in hand, that I finally opened up my mind to accept that something was wrong. I spent hours sobbing into the empty void I called a life. I spent a week in bed, only getting up 1-2 times a day. I skipped my classes and didn’t have a job. Eventually, I pulled myself together and finished out the semester, graduated and never looked back.

 

I started to research what I was going through, but was still too scared to speak up about it. I stopped trying to cover my scars and started lying instead, “I have a cat, what do you think happens!” Why was I ok with showing my scars, but not ok with saying what they were from? There is so much negative stigma against SH that I was on the fence with admitting to anyone.

 

A couple years ago I looked into getting professional help. I had read many stories that raved about therapy that I wanted to start going. However, with my insurance, I wasn’t able to find anything I could afford. So I stopped trying. I continued to get in depressive states and I continued to harm myself. I knew I had a problem but I felt like I was stuck, or that I deserved it for some reason.

 

1 year ago today I watched a video, Daniel and Depression, on YouTube by Dan Howell. This sparked up my interest once again. I knew I needed help and WANTED it. I signed up for better insurance and started searching again. Then, I was denied insurance and due to open enrollment period being over, wasn’t able to get any insurance any more.

 

Today I am in an… ok place. I don’t think one could ever really be ok. At some point it becomes who you are and you may not be able to seperate from the past. I know I could be so much more than I am if I was able to get the help I needed. But, I’m still hopeful.

 

I haven’t yet opened up to my family, my boyfriend and I are very open about these conversations though. I’ve started promoting mental health and charities involved. Making my voice heard, but not relating anything to me personally. I look forward to the day where I am a success story, not a story in process. If we all start talking about these things more openly and readily admitting that these are things that people cannot control… maybe the stigma won’t be so negative. I can’t wait until I am able to be honest about my body and my past and not feel terrified or ashamed. I want to brag about being able to pull myself out of the shadows. I do not want to keep hiding in them.

 

One day. One day I will be comfortable with who I am. Hopefully you will be as well. In the meantime, get a pet – love it – learn to love yourself – and, in the words of Dan Howell, “Have the Courage to Exist”.

Two Different Views of 13 Reasons Why

13 Reasons Why can be viewed in many ways. Many love it many hate it. There is, however, something quite refreshing about this new Netflix Original show. the fact that they do not shy or hit people in the face with things. It is both bold and understated. I love the intimate relationships that you discover throughout the show, but the over arcing theme can be overwhelming to some. From the way I see it there are two audiences that are watching this. The first audience is made up of those who have considered suicide, like Hannah, or might in the future, like Sky. The second audience is made up of people who know people like Hannah/Sky, like Clay and the others on the tapes.

I know this might be pretty self explanatory, but from my own personal views and those I know, I have seen this division grow. Surprisingly, those who might be in a dark place in their minds seem to dislike the overall theme, yet enjoy the plot line. Most saying that the show “glorifies suicide.” Where as those who know those in dark places seem to enjoy the eye opening trip that the show took them on.

For me I was extremely captivated until the last episode. It was a little too close to home. I have been there before. I have cleaned up my room and organized everything so that after would be easy for those involved. I have written my letter over and over. I have been in that tub fully clothed and ready with a razor. In the end I truly was scared of ending. I settled for panic inducing crying fits in a cold shower and the comfort of a stinging piece of metal to remind me that I existed for some reason. So to watch someone do it with such… I don’t want to say ease, but with such ease hurt a bit. I felt almost slandered, because for me, this has been going on for years. And even though things have been happening to Hannah throughout the year, the suicide portion seemed rushed. Things have been happening to me since middle/preschool. I’ve written my suicide note at least 3 times. It was something I fought with every day and night.

I know that I am describing me, but I feel like there are others who have felt the same way. I know that there are some that have the worst day of their lives and decide then and there to end it. I know and understand those cases are out there. but to put together 12 reasons, that honestly could have been summarized, then to “give life one more chance” seemed just plain off to me. I feel like they should have added some scenes of her in her home falling apart throughout the whole year would have benefitted. Suicide isn’t something that people do because they want to prove a point, it is something they do when they see absolutely no other option.

Then you have the Sky character who is a very stereotypical “emo”. She has the scars, the look, and the attitude to back up her stereotype. So here you have two polar opposites. One shrouded in black and taking her anger out on the world and herself. Then you have a beautiful girl who tried to be friends with everyone and gets stabbed in the back every time. Yet the one you don’t think fits the image of a suicidal girl is the one who actually ends her life. In a way I like this because although there are a lot of Sky’s out there, there are also some that you never would expect to hide scars or other issues. But in private, behind closed doors, they are the same. They both have anger and sadness in them to the point that it is too much. That is what was missing for me. There were only a couple times when we got to see Hannah breakdown. But realistically speaking, it would happen constantly

Why it is OK to be Selfish

I have been raised to think of others. How can I help those around me? What can I do to show I am there for others? Especially when you are raised as a christian, you are molded into some cookie cutter help-others-personality type. But what if I said you didn’t have to ignore yourself in the process?

Let’s go back a few years. Or four or five… moving on! My first year in college was a crazy one. I was in a city I had never lived in before, living with two other girls I never met before, my new boyfriend had just gone to military training, and I was broke with no car. So doing what every college student does, I got a job. Fast food, right by the college, easily biked to. If you are anything like me, you work hard at everything you do, even fast food. So what happens? They schedule you more hours. then they ask you to come in on days off, or work later. Wanting to be a good little employee and show you can handle it you say yes. Of course. Anything to help others… Right?

But what happens to you? Besides your clothes getting ruined and smelling like grease for the rest of your days. You loose sleep. Your first year in college turns from pulling all-nighters to study to pulling all nighter shifts at work. Grades start slipping, sleep becomes a word you think is a myth and your health is thrown out the door. All to later find out they are hiring people to work shorter shits, higher pay, and half your ability while you pick up the slack.

NO! It is ok to put yourself first. Especially when you are in college. I gave everything I had to that dumb part time-turn full time- job! I missed my first college Halloween party. I had to work on days when my roommates went downtown. I ended up needed to work more to pay to work because of my uniform requirements, or missed opportunities, or the apartment I had to get for the summer. Trust me, I know this sounds petty. Childish almost. There are so many people that have it worse than missing a couple parties in college. I get it! And I respect that. But when I get up with my old roommates and swap stories I only remember that job. What I missed. They have amazing memories and stories and life long friendships that I completely missed out on because I was trying to please someone else. I wasn’t thinking of myself.

Look. When you are young, yes I know I’m still young but still, it is so easy to think you have so much to prove and you should always always say yes when you can and show that you are a hard worker. But there is a difference between being a hard worker and being a push over. Do NOT let people take advantage of you and take you for granite. They know you won’t stay there forever. So don’t let them treat you poorly for the time you are there. You are worth so much more than some part time job that takes over your life.

It’s not just jobs though. Let’s be real. This goes along with friends and family also. I wouldn’t change anything. Let me go ahead and say that. If I hadn’t done what I’ve done, I wouldn’t be who I am now and I like that person. HOWEVER! After graduating from college, I could have staying there. Found my own path, create a life over there. But I thought that I should be thinking of my relationship. We had already spent four years apart. Maybe I should move home, wait for him to ask me to move in. THEN work on finding a job. GUESS WHAT? A year and a half later, I’m single, and stuck in a town I swore I’d never go back to. If I had just been a little selfish and stayed where I was, who knows where I could be in my career right now?

Well I’m being selfish now. And you know how I feel? Great.

I feel pretty dang great right about now. I got a new job in a large city. Might take me a couple months to move over there, but I’ll  get there. GREAT chance for travel and growth. I met a guy, lives far away… but we meet up just for fun. No mess. No worrying about what the other is doing. I’m just thinking about what I want. Who I want to spend my free time with. Where I want to work. What I want to do. I’m done thinking of what others expect of me and what I think they expect. I know I’m a hard worker, and I’ll gladly prove it. but I’m done being the brown nosing employee who gets forgotten about or abused. And you wanna know something? My first day at this new job felt amazing. I’m usually shy ad awkward at new properties… But I really held my own this time. I was confident, because I know what I am good at and I know that this was a good move for me.

I cannot wait to see what the rest of this year has planned for me! But I’m done trying to micromanage my own life. I’m young and I’m ready to start thinking of myself.

 

Time Flies

I’m so sorry, to no one cause no one reads:) I have been tremendously busy… lazy… slow… Anyway! I’m going to try to get on a weekly posting cycle to get my blog up and running a bit more. Still not sure the direction it will take. Probably just Sassy being… me. But if anyone really cares, here is what I have been up to.

Since December I have been in 3 weddings, and I have one more to go next weekend. This next one I’m the maid of honor. This all sounds fine and dandy… until you learn I just got out of a 5 year long relationship I thought was going to be the first engagement out of my sisters… but no. So celebrating with friends and family over marriages was a bit draining, and having three in three months is also tough.

I also finally have a chance to get OUT OF MY HOME TOWN! Look. Every one says it. Listen to them. Do not plan your life around a boy. I could have staying in the city where I graduated. But no, I moved home, waiting on a guy I would later leave because he is a bit of an idiot. So here I am. One year later, stuck in a town that literally drains the life out of all of it’s residents. NO MORE! I have a job at a bigger city, better pay and once I’m financially stable after all these weddings I will gladly move over there and start moving on with my life!

As far as depression goes, it’s actually been tough… but getting so much better. Honestly the lowest times were when I was fighting for a dying relationship. Now that I’m being selfish and just thinking about myself, I am happier and more confident in who I am and what I have to bring. I’m not sure how long this will last… But I’m going to take advantage of it!

Well I think that is about it fro an update. I’m going to start working on some actual posts that might mean something to someone!

 

Drabble on guys.

To my High School Friend

Dear Friend,

I know that it has been almost five years, but I just can’t help but think about those days. They were truly the worst days, but they were the best. There are so many things that you helped me with that you don’t understand. So many days where you were the only reason I went to school. Over the years I have grown and changed in so many ways, but there will always be our relationship that doesn’t change. We haven’t seen each other in years, but I know that our hearts are still connected. There’s a bond between us that will never be torn apart.

You didn’t know how much those sleep overs meant to me. Knowing that there was someone there that actually wanted to see me outside of school. Knowing that you cared enough meant a lot. It also gave me a chance to get away from my house. I’m not saying it was bad, but there were definitely times where I thought I couldn’t breathe, and being able to spend time away with you was wonderful.

Our hour long phone calls that annoyed my family were some of the best times. You had no idea what those meant to me. There were times where I wanted to stay in a deep depression and not talk to anyone at all. Then, I’d get a phone call from you. You were able to wash all those harmful thoughts out of my mind and let me escape for a couple hours with you. I sometimes wonder if I have ever laughed that hard since then.

Talking about all the horrible people we went to school with was some of my favorite conversations. Being able to hear someone else agree that those people were crap was very reassuring. You helped me to not focus on others word because if you didn’t like them, then why should I listen?

Your support was more than I deserved at times. You went to every single one of my performances. That meant so much. In one ear I was hearing people say how horrible I was and that directors were stupid for casting me in anything, and in the other ear I was hearing you ask about all the details of the stage. You actually cared, and didn’t think I was that bad. You were always the positive voice in my head.

There are so many more things I wish I could talk about, but it is not my place. While you never knew how low I was then, I didn’t know that you were also low. That those sleep overs meant more to you, because they kept out your demons. Your questions about theatre helped to paint a world that was different from what you knew. Those days where we never talked to each other, but walked side-by-side meant that you needed that company more than you needed words.

I wish that we had talked to each other about our difficulties, but I just wanted you to know that I have been honored by your friendship. I am glad that we could shine a light on each other’s darkness and be a true friend. I will never have another friend that will share what we have. We have both moved on, you more so than I. And even though those were our roughest days, I would never alter a single one in fear of loosing what we had.

So thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Update

(I was going to go through and edit, but I’m too lazy. Forgive any errors!)

I know I haven’t been posting in a while. I have had a lot of things going on personally that I didn’t feel like I was in a good place to post anything.

You know those times when you just have no confidence in anything?

Well that’s where I’ve been. I feel like the best thing I could do is to just get it all out there that way I’m not keeping it all in. So feel free to give me some advise, it would be greatly appreciated. Or you can just give me a quick positive though and just move on. 🙂

Basically, I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years. This person and I have been going to school together since elementary school. We are both in our twenties now. I have known this person inside and out. He is everything to me. The unfortunate thing of our relationship is that we are across the continent. He is so far away, and I’m just here.

A lot of people ask me why I didn’t move to where he is, but I needed to focus on my studies first. I thought we had already planned on me moving after I graduated. But when graduation came and went, I was slightly confused. He seemed a little distant. I would want to cuddle, he’d want to go workout. I’d want to go to the beach, he’d want to stay in. He wouldn’t hold my hand, or kiss me much. It was all very awkward for me.

I finally got a job in my home state, so staying with my parents. I kind of figured sooner or later he would ask me to move up there. But no such luck. Around October/November I remember wanting to fly up to see him. And he acted very strange about the whole thing. Almost as if he didn’t want me up there. It threw me off. So the next time I got to see him was at my sisters wedding. We drove over together, about 5 hours. It was horrible. He didn’t talk to me much, wouldn’t hold my hand, and just acted like he didn’t want to be there with me. At the wedding he was the same way. Wouldn’t show much affection.

Specifically, when a certain song came on, he literally threw  off my hands and walked away to dance in the center o the space for everyone else. I was very hurt. Then my sister came over and said that I should treat him better. That didn’t help at all. I later found out that my Granny had asked him when he planned on asking for my hand and he said that he just wasn’t ready for that.

A little background for you, for years we had talked about getting married and being together. So something had to happen to make him say he wasn’t ready. Something that he wasn’t telling me. I didn’t know how to respond. The absolute worst part of this trip was the wedding night. I got us a room somewhere away from everyone else, thinking we could finally get some alone time… you know? 😉

He simply changed for bed, complained about being tired, and turned his back from me and went to bed. I was beyond hurt. I had no idea what I had done. I t had to be about me. I get not wanting to show PDA, my family was around and maybe that made him uncomfortable. I can understand that. But in a room, alone, with no one else nearby…

He also got very weird with his phone. I used to pick on him about going through his phone, because I knew he would never do anything that he should have to hide. But this trip specifically, he got mad at times. It definitely made me question him. Why now? What happened to make you all of a sudden worried about me seeing your phone?

Later on that month I was home alone. My parents had gone to a Christmas party. I knew he didn’t have plans, so I was trying to hint that I had the house to myself. He said that he and his dad were spending time together. I understood, but kinda wanted him to pick me. But again, I understood. The next day I find out that what he actually did was drive a hour away to some club with another girl and a group of people. I have felt sick to my stomach ever sense.

What had I done to push him away? I had been supportive of his career, I have stood by him through everything. What could I have possibly done to cause him to do something like that? We sat down at the park and I told him straight up that I didn’t deserve that. I have always been there for him and gave him no reason to lie to me like that. I told him to tell me everything, honestly. And I would accept this as a skrewup, and we could work to get past it. I then asked to see his phone. He wouldn’t give it to me until he deleted something first.

I was flabbergasted. All I was going to do was give it right back.. I just wanted that open and honest relationship like we always had. But he was still hiding something. Well a month later I found out that this girl had been to see him across the country. She flew up there, to see him. He swears that it was back in October, and that she had another event nearby, that seeing him was just a side thing. and he swears that they didn’t do anything, and that they actually tried to hook her up with another friend. I was slow to accept this, but then he said that he was still talking to her. I was beyond upset. Her is this person that almost split us up, and he was taking her word over mine. It was crazy.

Later on, my best friend from High School contacted me and sent me so many pictures of conversations, them together, and her flight information. Here I had a whole new set of crap. He swears that the conversations weren’t him, and that all the pictures were back from October. She had a picture of condoms, but he swears that they would never do anything.

Many people want to see me walk away, but as much as I know it’s probably best, I just can’t. I know that there are apps that can falsify text conversations. We found out that this girl was following his snaps on SnapChat. She was blocked on every other social medias, so she was getting info from his story line. I can understand that, and this girl really is crazy.

I have forgiven him for not telling me things, because I truly and honestly believe that he would never cheat on me. He really is just a nice guy that a lot of people read too far into things. There were a lot of holes in this girls story. She claims that she was up there this January, when one of the pictures he’s wearing a Halloween mask. October.

I can understand messing up. I can understand so much, but I don’t understand why. What had I not done? Why did he need this unhealthy relationship that almost tore us apart? How can I accept that he wont do it again?

He has become beyond supportive of me now. He talks about me moving up there all the time. Calls and texts me much more than he has in the past. We started doing daily devotionals together to try and strengthen our relationship through God. And he seems very committed now.

I know that I have forgiven him for not being honest with me, but that feeling in my stomach has not gone away. The fact that someone thought that they could tear our 5-year relationship apart so easily has me worried. I flying up there next month and I’m trying to just focus on me for a little while. I’ve started a healthy diet, and workout regimen. I just can’t shake those images out of my head. Which is exactly what this other person wanted.

Basically i would love some advise on how to release some of this tension that I’ve obviously held on to.

Trust

If you want to know how to get close to me, give me a reason to trust you. 

It’s a strange concept, trust. To rely on someone to with do or not do something. What if they do the opposite? What if they just laugh at you? What if they say something that really hurts? What then?

I’ve not trusted many people, and for good reason. But there was one person I could. For 5 years we built something so strong. And it took about 3 years to realize I did, fully and completely, trust that person. 

All to be dropped off a 5-story building. 
How am I supposed to trust that person again? How am I to open up and allow that person the opportunity to drop me again? 

I should stay strong. Be my own support. Not let anyone else close enough to hurt me again. 

But I miss you. And I hate what you’ve done to us. You let someone enter and now you’ve made me distrust everything you do. And you are growing to resent me. 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m damaged and hurt. I’m sorry I can’t just smile and let it go and trust who you are. I’m sorry I’m not who you want. But right now, you’re not what I need. 

But I’m greedy. And I can’t stand to picture myself without you. Or you with someone else. 

So I’ll just pretend to be ok. 

Maybe one day I’ll trust you again. But not someday soon. 

The Third Side of the Story of Us

There was a time when you came to me. I was your rock, your solid ground when you felt like falling.

There was a time when the light you woke up to was me. Your day started with saying hello to me.

There was a time when missing me felt like missing a lung.

There was a time when you loved me.

What happened?

 

There’s been a third wheel attached to us. But instead of behind us, it took my place. Leaving me trailing behind. Looking at our tracks you couldn’t tell. But seeing the whole picture you could see. You didn’t really care for me.

Now something has stolen my place. It’s dimmed my light so that it seemed brighter. No longer you come to me for stability. No longer are we a pair. You found something else that has changed your life more than I ever could.

If you would think that I’d ask you to give it up, you do not know me at all. I have loved you through it all. And although I saw it take over, I still held on. I held on to you. Thinking that if I just held on, you’d realize that I’ve always been there.

But I will never be there for you if you don’t look for me. So instead of making you miserable, I’m letting you go. Go and feel free to indulge in what really makes you happy. I could never live with myself knowing that I was keeping you from something you love.

I just really hate that the thing taking my place is something so silly. But I do not love it as much as you do. And you do not love me as much as you do it. So I’m putting my foot down and saying that I deserve to be loved as much as I love. Because I would rather fight with you than fall in love with anyone else. But I would never force you to stay with someone you don’t love.

15 GIFs about hiding depression

These are 15 GIFs that I hope explains why people should keep an open mind about what they say. You never know who is hiding something.

 

  1. “I’m so glad I don’t know what it’s like to have depression, you know?”

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Many people should be happy about this. But it’s very ironic when this topic comes up in conversation and people ask you, thinking you have no idea. It’s almost delightful knowing that you have gotten away with it.

 

2. Finally being alone after going out. 

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I do not like going out often. If I do go out, it’s not willingly. The second I get to escape I finally get to relax. Put down the fake exterior and persona.

 

3. “I just don’t get why people self harm. It’s so stupid.”

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There’s only so many things you can defend with out people catching on. You unwillingly have to agree, but that doesn’t mean you have to say anything. You just hang in there till you can leave.

 

4. “People who say they have depression just need to cheer up and get over themselves.”

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I will be honest, before I dealt with anything like this I had said the same thing. It’s not something that one can just get over. It’s severe and invisible, but it’s there. You can’t tell people about their ignorance though, they will understand some day. When someone they know or love opens up to them, they will understand.

 

5. “Those people just want attention.” 

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When was the last time you saw someone waving their scars around? Or bragging about how many times they forced themselves to starve? It’s not something that people are proud of. It’s not something they want everyone to know about. It’s something that is private and personal. A way for each person to handle the different stress of their lives.

 

6. When someone points out one of your scars and you have to make up some story. 

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Here we go again.

 

7. When someone clearly accepts you lie and moves on. 

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Wait. Really? Are you really going to believe that load of shit? Okay. Fair enough. Moving on.

 

8. “Ew, your music is so emo.”

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You don’t like it you can leave.

 

9. When you’re biting your tongue when you just want to scream.

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So many times.

 

10. Deciding whether or not you should tell someone. 

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There are so many obstacles. What if they hate you? What if they judge you? What if they call you crazy? You know you should tell someone, but you never know who you can trust.

 

11. “You should cover that up, people might think you cut yourself.”

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Yes. I have heard this more than once. Someone believes some bogus story about a faulty belt or an angry cat and then say something like this. What can you do?

 

12. When someone who knows points it out in public. 

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Look, if someone opens up to you, don’t you dare talk about it to anyone else, or in front of anyone else. It’s not your place.

 

13. “I totally get it, I mean I get so depressed after Christmas ends I could die.”

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Yeah, because that is exactly the same thing.

 

14. “Don’t lie to me. I know better.”

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Usually, when someone cares enough, they will figure it out on their own. But there is no denying the terrifying feeling you get when someone says that.

15. When someone is actually there for you.

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These people deserve metals. People who know someones deepest secret, and stays by them and helps them without judging. Seriously, do those people exist? If so, props. You all are amazing.